If you have teen stepkids in your home, you need to listen to this episode of the free Stepmom Circles Podcast. Stepfamily coach Emily Bouchard shares some great ways to connect with teenaged stepchildren. She learned the hard way with her two teen stepdaughters. Tune in to find out how she handled it when one of her stepdaughter’s stole her car and went for a joyride!
Want to discuss today’s show? Join the Stepmom Circles group on FaceBook or leave your comments here.
Joanie Winberg, the host of the Blog Talk radio show Single Again? Now What! and the founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children interviewed me on her show. The topic: From Single Mom to Stepmom. Check out the fun conversation we had about the biggest mistakes new stepmothers make and tips on how to blend two different sets of kids. Click on the link below to listen to the show:
Hello lovely ladies:
I have decided to change the name of my Becoming a Stepmom podcast to Stepmom Circles. The reason for this is because I realized that the shows are not only about becoming a stepmom, they are about the full life of a stepmother. I’ve started a Stepmom Circles group on FaceBook that you can join to connect with other stepmoms, discuss episodes of the show, or suggest topics for upcoming podcasts. I hope you’ll join us.
I’m thrilled to announce that I have four signed copies of No One’s The Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationshipby mom and stepmom team Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine to giveaway to my readers! This passage is from the introduction of the book:
“It’s a nasty word, BITCH.
It’s one thing if you’re standing up in the face of injustice to do the right thing–who cares if anything things you’re a bitch? But being thought of as a bitch in general is another thing altogether.
No one wants that.
And yet, here’s the setup between ex-wife and stepmother: The other woman, no matter which side you start from, is automatically a bitch. You’ll find plenty of ammunition to lob from friends, family, and coworkers–heck, from people you barely even know. Start out any story about “the ex-wife” or “the stepmother” and people have already helped you pull the pin, ready to take her down. The land stretching between mother and stepmother is littered with such landmines. Good luck tiptoeing around them.
And isn’t it irritating to know the other side is almost certainly calling you a bitch?!”
The book is filled with ideas to help manage this challenging relationship. To win a free copy of the book, comment on this post by Friday, June 26, with your best strategy for dealing with the ex or the stepmother in your life and I’ll randomly choose four people to send the book to.
Hello M’Ladies:
We had a submission over at the Stepfamily Letter Project that I felt really spoke volumes about what it’s like to be a stepmom. Check it out:
Dear Husband,
I would never leave you. Not in a million years. But I would consider leavingeverything you bring to the table. Especially on the days when my efforts go unappreciated. Especially on the days when I feel taken advantage of by you, your ex wife, and the brood the two of you had together. There are days when I hate what you bring to the table and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe. So many people are pulling on me asking things of me wanting a piece of me and then criticizing the parts of me they do get because they’re not enough that I don’t know how long I’ll be able to withstand the pressure. I am strong. By God, I am the strongest f-ing person I know. But even mountains crack when the plates constantly shift beneath them and the water wears at them day after f-ing day after day. I have to leave. For a day. For a weekend. I have to vent the pressure building in my chest or I’m afraid of what I’ll do.
Many of us have been at this point at one time or another. It’s amazing how you think you’ve got the stepmotherhood thing down and then something comes along to knock you off your feet.
In stepfamilies, those of us who are not related by blood do not give each other the benefit of the doubt. Even if things have been even-keeled for years, if there’s an emotional upheaval, we assume the worst. Stepmothers assume the children hate them and are behaving that way just to get at them. Stepchildren assume stepmothers are being manipulative so they can have more of Dad’s attention. Ex-wives assume that stepmothers are harming their children even after years of service.
Please. Let’s give each other a break. If a kid tells us something the other household said, let’s not jump to the conclusion that it’s a message from the ex-wife. It could be that the child misinterpreted something that was said, or that the child is the one who is trying to stir things up. Let’s not assume that a snotty kid is trying to get back at us. Perhaps she had a crappy day at school.
I have to admit, I am terrible at this. I am probably lecturing myself in this post. I make assumptions about what is motivating behavior in my stepfamily and usually it makes me more miserable than just talking to the person who I’m having a challenge with to find out what’s really going on.
But when you’re in a low point and the stepmother water torture so aptly described in the letter above is getting you down, it’s hard to maintain your emotional intelligence. Usually if I give myself a few days to calm down (aided by dark chocolate and a glass of red wine) I can see the situation more clearly.
Ladies: I’ve teamed up with Erin on a fun website called the Stepfamily Letter Project and we need your input! Here’s a description from the site:
In the Fall of 2008, Erin wrote an open-ended letter to her stepdaughter on her blog. The letter was filled with things Erin wished she could say to her 12-year-old stepdaughter but didn’t. From future hopes and dreams to the intricacies of teenage angst, the letter was one stepmom’s heartfelt approach to communicate with her stepdaughter without actually “communicating.” The letter went on to capture the attention of other stepmoms across the Internet.
One of those stepmoms, Jacque, had heard of The Mother Letter Project, a compilation of letters that a husband has been collecting his for wife as a Christmas present.
The letters, written for mothers, could be about anything so long as it was addressed to a mom. At the same time, Jacque popped open her computer to begin her annual holiday letter to her family. Each year Jacque, her husband, and her three stepkids write a letter to each other that describes the previous year’s ups and downs and hopes for the upcoming year. Then they read them out loud to each other. It’s a tradition that Jacque’s dad and stepmom started when Jacque was a teenage stepkid.
And so an idea was born. Why not create a site where blended families could write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings – we wanted to create a place where blended families could write letters to the people in their families – be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad.
If you would like to add a letter to the Stepfamily Letter Project, there are a few steps to follow:
Stepfamily-Letter-Project
5. Check back or subscribe. If you have an RSS feed reader or aggregator, sign up for an RSS feed for the site. This way, you’ll be alerted when we post a new letter.
I am excited to announce some big changes! I will no longer be sending out the Becoming a Stepmom newsletter. Now you can find all the archived stories from all the newsletters up on this blog at www.becomingastepmom.com. I will be adding new content every week so you’ll still be able to read the newsletter, but in blog form! We’ll be able to connect with each other in a more direct way with online conversations. I hope you’ll feel free to comment, ask questions, suggest topics, and give others advice about what worked for you. I will also continue to build a resources page that will ultimately contain books, therapists who specialize in stepfamily development, organizations, and websites. If you’ve got favorites send them along!
The blog www.becomingastepmom.com will continue to have advice from marriage and family professionals, ideas from veteran stepmoms, and summaries of the latest research and how we can apply success strategies to our own families.
If you’re new to Becoming a Stepmom, you can sign up to receive new posts in your email inbox. Just click the link at the top of the right-hand navigation.
In addition to the blog at www.becomingastepmom.com, I am also working on a new book series called 101 Smackdowns for Your Inner Critic: Knock out your doubts and create the life of your dreams. Check out the blog at www.101smackdowns.com and let me know what you think! Your feedback is always deeply appreciated.
Questions? Feel free to email me at becomingastepmom (at) gmail.com.
Here’s to building stepfamilies that last a lifetime.
Cheers,
Jacque
This stepmom thing is no easy task we’ve signed ourselves up for. Whether you’re new to it or have lived in your stepfamily for decades, stepmotherhood takes constant attention. People change, custody is renegotiated, children grow up, new children are introduced to the family. Each transition requires a fresh look at the dynamics within your household as we are all constantly growing and changing. And with each passing year you must continue to re-focus your intention to create a happy, peaceful blended family.
Learning how to becoming a stepmom is not something that you do once and then poof! you’re finished. Instead, just like a marriage, you must pay attention to it as the years pass, making sure that you are on the path you intended with your stepchildren and your spouse.
Take a few moments to answer the following questions. Better yet, use them to start a discussion with your partner.
1. How have your stepchildren changed since you met them?
2. How has your relationship with each of them evolved?
3. What have you done with your stepchildren that you are most proud of?
4. What aspects of your relationships with your stepkids would you like to work on?
5. Check in with your partner. Compared to a year ago, how is your partnership more solid?
6. Are you harboring any resentment toward your partner over something that happened within the past year? Have you talked about it? Can you discuss it now?
7. Do you think your stepfamily is stronger now than it was a year ago?
8. How do you want your home and your relationships to feel a year from now?
9. Have you become a more flexible stepmother?
10. Think back to when you were a child. Would you have liked a stepmom like you?
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