Stepmom Circles Group Coaching Now Available!

Have you ever felt:

Uncomfortable in your own home?
Discouraged because you and your husband can’t agree on parenting/stepparenting?
Angry at the ex-wife?
Hurt by a stepchild’s behavior?
Surrounded by loving family and friends who don’t understand what you’re going through?

If so, you’re not alone. And I can help. As many of you know I’ve been educating and inspiring stepmothers for years so my fellow stepmoms can create a more peaceful life that is sustainable over the long haul.

I recently started coaching stepmothers one-on-one, but for those of you who need a more affordable option I am offering the Stepmom Circles group coaching teleclass sessions beginning in January 2010.

I will be starting two new groups in January. Each Stepmom Circles group will meet for an hour and a half each week for six weeks over the telephone. Every week I’ll lead a half-hour discussion on a particular stepfamily challenge. (Creating a strong partnership with your spouse, dealing with the ex, bonding with the stepkids, handling your negative feelings, identifying common stepfamily mistakes, discovering what successful stepfamilies know). Then we’ll have an open talk for an hour about your particular questions and issues.

Cost
The cost of a six-week session is $197. That’s about $32 per week.

As a member of a Stepmom Circles coaching group you’ll receive

• a FREE half-hour, get-to-know you consultation with me over the phone before the class begins
• email access to me between group coaching sessions so you can ask questions that come up during the week
• an autographed copy of my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom

You can sign up for one of the following:

Tuesdays, 9:00 a.m.-10:30 a.m. CST, January 5-February 9, 2010

OR

Saturdays, 10 a.m.-11:30 a.m. CST, January 9-February 13

*If you’re interested in an evening class please email me at becomingastepmom (@) gmail (dot) com. If I receive enough interest I will consider adding a third group.

Group sessions will be limited to eight participants per group. Because space is limited, you’ll need to reserve your spot early.

Email becomingastepmom (@) gmail (dot) com for more information or to reserve your spot.

New Podcast: You Deserve Love

As we enter the holiday season, I wanted to start a new tradition in honor of all the stepfamilies out there. As part of my Stepmom Circles Podcasts I will do short inspirational messages to help you keep your chin up! Normally the podcasts are a half hour or one-hour long, but this one is only two minutes for stepmoms on the go.

Listen to my first one here: You Deserve Love. Or download it from iTunes.

Your Questions Answered: My Stepdaughter’s Wedding

Hello -

I am at such a loss of what to do. I am a kind and caring person, when I remarried 6 years ago my world turned upside down. I am automatically the wicked witch of the west and nothing I do is right. I have never in my life been treated so poorly by other human beings AND they get away with it.

A little history, we have 9 kids between us. Husband has 5 and I have 4. He raised 3 of his kids, living with his parents. His ex-wife raised 2 kids, took them back to Iowa, remarried. End of that story. The two girls that lived with her basically hated it because they missed out on everything, plus they lived in an attic. The first year I married him we spent the whole year trying to get custody of the two girls, 24/7 that is all he was about.We did not get them, $10,000 later. I took my 3 kids out of their safe environment moved in with him and his two kids, what a nightmare. My kids and I were treated poorly by two spoiled brat girls.

Fast forward. Oldest daughter of my husband gets married, I am asked to handle EVERYTHING. From altering the wedding dress, making bridesmaid dresses, reception, food,etc. Had two months to plan it. Her mom pays $300 towards the wedding dress then writes a note to my husband that she cannot do any more than that.

Everything was planned around the mother, her comfort was the most important, the whole reception was moved to another town because she did not want it have it where the girls live, it made her feel awkward. So breaking my back I did everything I could in the time frame I had. Of course the mother comes and she is all that. I think my husband and I were in about 5 pictures, which we paid for and still to this day have not seen. Totally ignored by the daughters that day. My husband and I sit on the grooms side at the very end of the table because there is no room by the bride. My husband, my daughters and my husband were the only ones that stayed to help clean up.

Doing the wedding did not change anything about my relationship with his daughter, she still does not give me the time of day.I feel like any time doing anything for his children is a wasted effort and takes time away from my children. We just have my 13 year old at home now with us. Two of my children moved out months earlier than they should of because of poor treatment.

Fast forward again. Second oldest daughter is engaged a week ago. Wedding in two months. I am asked again by the daughter to do the wedding. Her mom calls the newly engaged daughter, I cannot do anything to help she tells her. Bypasses the dad because he called her and asked what could she do to help. But she will show up again and be all that.

So I am sitting here, how did I get to do this again? The grandmother mentions, why is her name even on the announcement, she never does anything. So I mention it to my husband, proper ettiquete is those who contribute, their names are on the announcement. The mothers name should not be on the announcement. So word gets to the daughter, I won’t do the wedding unless the mothers name is not on the announcement. Wow, I am the bad guy already and it hasn’t even started.

Important part of all this, my husband has been unemployed, just got a job a week ago, we have been on assistance from our church. We don’t even have enough money to pay our own bills. Christmas is coming…I am so overwhelmed at this time.

Another important point is that I have been in therapy for a few years off and on because of a lot of issues being remarried, being treated poorly and I have discussed the issue about the wedding and he says not to put myself in that position again. My husband says, it will make me look better than the mother. Who cares? I feel used and abused again, it is expected of me to do this and just let it be that. I can’t enjoy the holidays and just knowing that I have to be doing all this during the holidays makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn’t seem fair, and I do realize, being a stepmom, nothing is fair but knowing that I will do everything again and have the mom prance in like she did everything makes me very angry.

Help??? Any advice for a stubborn, abused stepmom?

Dear Stubborn, Abused Stepmom:

Before I write a word I want you to close the door to the room you’re in so you’re all alone. Once you’ve done that I want you to sit in a chair with your feet flat on the ground and your arms in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Then take five deep breaths all the way down into your abdomen. Seriously. Do it right now. Here’s a message to all of us stepmoms: STRESS CAN KILL YOU. It is impossible to think clearly and creatively when your body is in a flight or fight response. So take a walk, calm your body, quiet your mind.

Now. Here are my thoughts.

1. Start with what’s working. You are still with your husband. Why? What are your family’s strengths? What really works well between you and your husband? I ask you this question first on purpose. Research by pioneers including John Gottman and Barbara Frederickson has shown that if you have more positive emotions in your life you are FAR more resilient, creative, and energized to get through tough times. So what is going right at this time? What are you grateful for even in the middle of this painful period of your life?

2. Connect with your husband. Do everything in your power to get some alone time with your spouse. Before you share your feelings about the wedding, talk about a memory you both have that was really fun for both of you and made you both feel loved by the other. Then share with him how hard this wedding is for you. Share your hurt feelings and anger with him. Tell him that you are struggling to let go of the anger you have at his children because your feelings are hurt. Use the all-important “I” language. Tell him what you told me, that you don’t know if you can go through this again. Ask him what the first wedding was like for him. Be curious and open to his experience and opinions. Brainstorm TOGETHER ways to handle this second wedding so that you turn toward each other instead of away. Be a team.

3. Stop the rumination. You were hurt at your first stepdaughter’s wedding by her and the rest of the family’s treatment of you. (Understandably.) But this one event has fueled your memories of pain from past events as well and they have built on each other. So, I want you to try to let go of rumination, which is when we think about a painful thing over and over again until it builds and builds until it sucks you down into a spiral of negativity that is very hard to recover from. Focus on the upcoming wedding. That is the issue at hand.

4. Set up boundaries. You were hurt before. You don’t want to be hurt again. This makes sense. Your human! And stepmothers have it especially hard at weddings. If you are too hurt and angry to participate, then explain to your stepdaughter that you want to help her but you also don’t want to be hurt again. Before you have this conversation make sure you know what you would feel good doing for her and what you will not do. It’s perfectly okay to protect yourself.

5. Look at it from her point of view. Weddings are tough on everyone. Stepkids are usually stuck in the middle of some really tough situations on a day that is supposed to be on of the most special in their lives. They’ve got to worry about Stepmom, Stepdad, Mom, Dad, siblings, half-siblings, the groom’s family, and the extended families too! It’s enough to make a girl want to elope. Cultivate your compassion for her, even though she’s hurt you in the past.

6. Forgive. The anger you are carrying around in your heart is real and understandable. But research shows that anger is a killer. It does terrible things to our bodies and our mental health. It is in your best interest to practice forgiveness. Every time an angry thought comes up say to yourself, “I forgive you.” If you believe in God or a higher power, then every time an angry thought comes up say, “I forgive you and I wish the best for you. May God be with you.” Do it over and over again and eventually by choosing to let go of the anger with intention, you will feel so much better.

7. Be kind to you. Don’t wait on other people to praise you or thank you for all your efforts. That’s victim thinking. Instead, give yourself the comforting and pats on the back you need! Find ways to expand your self-confidence and self-love by spending time doing things you enjoy.

New Podcast: Wednesday Martin, PhD

Ladies! I am so excited to announce that I’ve put together my very own podcast! The miracles of technology. I was a DJ in college and have sorely missed spinning tunes and interviewing fascinating people on the air. My new radio show is called Stepmom Circles.

In the first show I talk with author Wednesday Martin. Click here to listen.  Or click on the Stepmom Circles Podcast tab at the top of this page for a list of all the shows.

If you’re interested in sponsoring the show, pop me an email at becomingastepmom (at) gmail (dot) com for more information.

I hope you enjoy the show! Join the Stepmom Circles group on FaceBook to discuss the show!

Cheers,

Jacque

Stepmother Water Torture

Hello M’Ladies:

We had a submission over at the Stepfamily Letter Project that I felt really spoke volumes about what it’s like to be a stepmom. Check it out:

Dear Husband,

I would never leave you. Not in a million years. But I would consider leavingeverything you bring to the table. Especially on the days when my efforts go unappreciated. Especially on the days when I feel taken advantage of by you, your ex wife, and the brood the two of you had together. There are days when I hate what you bring to the table and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe. So many people are pulling on me asking things of me wanting a piece of me and then criticizing the parts of me they do get because they’re not enough that I don’t know how long I’ll be able to withstand the pressure. I am strong. By God, I am the strongest f-ing person I know. But even mountains crack when the plates constantly shift beneath them and the water wears at them day after f-ing day after day. I have to leave. For a day. For a weekend. I have to vent the pressure building in my chest or I’m afraid of what I’ll do.

Many of us have been at this point at one time or another. It’s amazing how you think you’ve got the stepmotherhood thing down and then something comes along to knock you off your feet.

In stepfamilies, those of us who are not related by blood do not give each other the benefit of the doubt. Even if things have been even-keeled for years, if there’s an emotional upheaval, we assume the worst. Stepmothers assume the children hate them and are behaving that way just to get at them. Stepchildren assume stepmothers are being manipulative so they can have more of Dad’s attention. Ex-wives assume that stepmothers are harming their children even after years of service.

Please. Let’s give each other a break. If a kid tells us something the other household said, let’s not jump to the conclusion that it’s a message from the ex-wife. It could be that the child misinterpreted something that was said, or that the child is the one who is trying to stir things up. Let’s not assume that a snotty kid is trying to get back at us. Perhaps she had a crappy day at school.

I have to admit, I am terrible at this. I am probably lecturing myself in this post. I make assumptions about what is motivating behavior in my stepfamily and usually it makes me more miserable than just talking to the person who I’m having a challenge with to find out what’s really going on. 

But when you’re in a low point and the stepmother water torture so aptly described in the letter above is getting you down, it’s hard to maintain your emotional intelligence. Usually if I give myself a few days to calm down (aided by dark chocolate and a glass of red wine) I can see the situation more clearly.

Teleconference Call Reminder

There’s still time to sign up for the teleconference call this Thursday, January 15.

Join me for a live one-hour teleconference call with Emily Bouchard, a stepmom of two, blended family coach, and the founder of www.blended-families.com on Thursday, January 15, 2009, at 6 p.m. PST / 9 p.m. EST as we discuss the challenges and joys of stepmotherhood!

The call is free (except for your local long-distance charges). To participate, all you need to do is submit a question for me here. After you send a question, the instructions for how to get on the call will be emailed to you.

The Doctor is In: Cynthia D. Rudick, Ph.D.

Guest blogger Cynthia D. Rudick, Ph.D., has been counseling stepfamilies in her private practice for 20 years. She’s a professional mediator and arbitrator in Canton, Ohio, who is also an adjunct professor in graduate counseling programs. For the past 16 years she’s been stepmother of two, now ages 23 and 28. She lives with her husband and two yellow labs. Contact her at 330-492-2941 or email her.

Bonding or Bondage in Stepfamilies: The Choice is Yours
One of the hardest challenges for stepmothers and women in general is to balance their needs with everyone else’s. We are taught from birth to care for others and feel guilty if we think about ourselves. Raising children is a full-time commitment. Raising stepchildren is an overtime commitment. The challenges are huge, the rewards are not immediate, and the conflict can be intense.

Perhaps the most difficult time to enter a child’s life is during their teens. If we are a good parent, we have a need to connect and nurture. Yet this child is experiencing a need to separate, a need to resist what is and find out who he or she is. Developmentally, we are on two different planets. Many battles and deep wounds can follow.

One of the only ways I can justify the slings and arrows of life is to be aware of my transcendent purpose. What I mean is to think about the lessons in this experience that are personal and dynamic for me in a spiritual sense.

Our expectations keep us in resistance to situations we encounter in the reality of our lives. Reality is occurring, but we think it should be different. Our peace of mind or lack of it is measured in the space between reality and our expectations.

Stepmothers are idealistic people. We believe we can create a family where there was already one. Idealistic people have a big space between their expectations and reality. Pain is the result of the distance we feel in the space between how things are and how things should be. We need to work on our growth as individuals instead of trying to get someone else to change.

Our childhoods mark us and we have ideas of ourselves formed early in life – what kind of person we have to be, how we think life should be, how we think others should be. We need to work on our core issues and our own growth if we are to stay married. Women who have done this deep work have developed good relationships over time with their stepchildren. I define a good relationship as an honest one. And we cannot be any clearer with others than we are with ourselves.

 Again, it takes so much time to form a family where there already was one. For example, women often enter a family and then things hit the fan when the stepchild becomes a teenager. The child resists the rules in the stepmother and dad’s home because the birth mother requires no rules. Thus, chaos ensues. The child threatens to go live with their mother. Stepmothers need to hold to the high ground and not be deterred by terrorist threats.

Setting an Example is the High Road
I think we model who we are and how we live by example. This is a much more powerful message than all the words we use. Later in life, when the immature teenager develops beyond the lacks of the birth parent they are tied to, they will understand the guard rail you tried to provide for them. Be proud of your mission here. It may be singular but it is a powerful assignment. Children need to learn these living skills from you even though they may offer extreme resistance.

Model Your Own Virtue in the Face of Powerlessness
Again, it is not so much what we say but who we are that provides such a powerful model for others. Believe in yourself. Teach by example. Yelling and fighting just increase your lack of power. In fact, the louder you yell, the more powerless you feel, and vice versa.

Patience is a Virtue in the Face of Powerlessness
Sometimes our timing is off. We want things to happen now. We want things to change now. These patterns in ourselves and others are firmly planted and it takes time and energy to shake them up.

Don’t Take It Personally Even Though It May Be Hurtful
It takes a long time to build trust. Stepchildren have been hurt by broken relationships and promises. Sometimes the person they lash out at is us – because we are there and we are safe. This is a very backhanded compliment. Behavior can be hurtful, even though it is not personal. Try to find a way to process your feelings. Try to find a method to detach from others’ projections when you have done little to cause the anger. Talk to yourself. Talk to others. Take a walk. Scream. Cry.

Journal, Journal, Journal
One of the safest most private ways to vent emotions is on the pages of a journal. This is a great tool for healing. Also, with enough unexpurgated, unedited journal writing, you will begin to see patterns in your life that you need to change.

Do Some Deep Core Work
Do some mining into your inner recesses with a trained professional. There’s a stigma about going to therapy. I see myself as a coach. We are Americans and we want a quick fix. But to really change, we need to work in the deep end of the pool. Some self-help programs and books only put “whipped cream on poop” and the original problems still smell. I encourage you to do the deep work necessary on your inner life. We change from the inside out. It will pay off in the end. And you are worth it.

Your Questions Answered

In general, I get along terrifically with my fiancé’s children, but their mother has boundary issues that cause problems. Whenever one of the children perceives that I am doing something that their mother did before or still does now (sorting objects at our home for garage sale, making birthday cakes, sewing a jacket, snuggling in front of a movie or fixing their hair for an event), they will tell her about it casually in their daily phone call, then she calls my fiancé and complains to him. Sometimes she even tells the children that they should feel uncomfortable about it (we used to snuggle all the time, but now seldom do). My fiancé has told her that she’s crossing a boundary and that I’m not trying to replace her-just running our home and loving them-but how do we handle this one with the children? The mother (who wanted the divorce in the first place) can’t seem to make the transition appropriately. And I can’t imagine telling the children not to say anything to their mom. That seems wrong. Is this something we just have to wait out?  

Your instincts to not talk to the children about their mother are right on. If you did talk about her to them, your relationships would get messy fast because the kids will be forced to be in the middle and will certainly feel loyal to their mother. The best thing you can do is continue to show them affection while sending positive messages to the kids about their mother every time they bring something up. (This is difficult!!)
 
Meanwhile, your fiancé is doing the right thing by continually talking to his ex about how this hurts the kids. She is actually going to damage her children by not allowing them to have a relationship with their father and making them feel guilty about liking you. Sometimes this kind of behavior goes away as time passes and the ex feels more comfortable and less jealous. Sometimes it does not. Hopefully she will understand that as their mother it doesn’t matter what else happens in her children’s lives, she will always be their mother. Perhaps this could be a soothing message from Dad to his ex.
 
If there is a way to slip Mom information, there is a wonderful book that tells how this kind of thing affects children: Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. If you do feel you need to address Mom’s behavior at some point with the kids, it absolutely has to come from Dad. Not you. As the outsider, you will get blamed. This is certainly a challenging situation. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Just keep to the high road and hopefully she will come around. Keep in mind that ultimately it will be the children who will have to deal with the dynamics in the family. They will decide for themselves what is true, and your generous and loving actions may speak to them louder than their mother’s insecurity. Good luck!