Your Questions Answered: A Cherished Stepmom is a Strong Stepmom

Hello! I am 31 years old and the mother of a great 7 year old daughter. I have raised her by myself for the last 7 years since her father left me while I was pregnant and never showed up again. Don’t worry, it was not a big loss. He was abusive and would probably be abusive to my daughter as well so I’m glad this relationship is over and done.

I dated this guys 5-6 years ago who also had a son. At the time, his son was 4 years old. He had just divorced his wife and although I had been raising my daughter for a few years and thought I was over the whole thing of separation, it seemed that both of us could not handle it. His relationship with his ex-wife was complicated and his guilt feelings towards his son were just too intense to deal with. My feelings against men and how they can be jerks did not help. We mutually decided to part ways and moved on with our lives. We did click big time however and were both sad about it not working out. We kept in touch, mostly through news and events. He published a book and sent me an invitation, commented on the pictures I posted on Facebook and I did the same. We always wondered about each other but never made any moves to reconnect.

Until a year ago where he invited me to dinner. I accepted, not knowing what to expect. That night was magical. We were in love instantly. We dated for months and spent every minute we could with one another. Introducing the kids (they were now 7 and 9) was not all that easy. They argued and fought and we were both a bit discouraged, both taking the side of our own kids. Dad’s apartment was small and although we tried to sleep there so that it would be equal for the kids, it just made no sense. My daughter had to sleep on the couch and we just had no privacy. My house was bigger, had a yard and an extra bedroom for his son. Although this was better, our children would argue. My daughter would resent having to share all her space with these two new guys in our lives and his son would cry to go home every once in a while. We were torn.

Dad has his son one week out of two so the week he did not have his son, he would spend it at my house. It just made sense. I started seeing a little family unit building up and I was ecstatic! My daughter was bonding with him and he started teaching her to ride. My bonding experience seemed more difficult to me but I try my hardest. Then came the New York trip. My new boyfriend explained to me that him and his ex were in business together and had to go to a conference together to New York for a weekend. I had been dating him for two months… what could I say? I felt awkward about the whole thing but decided to say nothing and forced myself to smile and pretend I was happy for him. After all, she is remarried and has another kid with her husband. They would never cheat, right?

That was one of the worst weekends of my life. I became this needy pathetic things that cried and imagined them together. Their car ride together made my stomach turn. What would they talk about? Would he share intimate details of our life with her? For the first two months when he told me about his relationship with his ex, I was amazed. They had managed to work out their differences for the sake of the child. They were even able to be in business together and have supper as a new family unit. Surely I would fit in there and everybody would be happy… I was not so sure anymore.

Christmas eve came and he spent it in her family, as he did every year. It allowed him to see his son and he joined me right after. It felt very awkward to have to tell my family: he is with his ex’s family, to see his son and then he’ll join me… but everybody smiled and said what a great father he was to accept this and do it for his son. So that was ok…

We went to his mother’s for the first time and it was incredible. You should have seen the look on his face. He was beaming. He was so in love and I felt so loved. I left my daughter with my parents that time because I thought it would be awkward for her but after meeting his mother, I couldn’t wait to introduce this new amazing woman to my daughter and have them bond.

But then, trouble started… Dad calls his son every day. He talks to him for a few minutes. It bothered me. I did not want it to bother my but it did. It seem to break the bubble we were in. Why was I so selfish. I had a daughter, I could understand… but we would go away together to these getaways and he would ask: is it ok if I call my son… I said sure, what else could I say. But it just broke the moment for me. Inside was conflict. How could I be this selfish person? How could I resent a father calling his son. It irritated me and I could not explain why. I would become silent after the phone call. He almost always called him in front of me and I felt awkward. I felt like I was in the intimacy of someone. As if I needed to leave the room. I felt all weird.

Dad had always done some activities with his ex-wife’s family and although I felt very awkward I decided to give it a try. We went to a movie first. We walked in and his ex-wife was there. Meeting her was intimidating. She seemed much older than me (no this is not a nasty comment), I felt like a kid. She seemed so composed, so mature. Then her and my man started teasing each other, about his weight and about her spending and I just wanted to run and scream. My daughter was standing by my side, not knowing what to say and Dad’s son simply walked away from us and entered his own world. I could feel my daughter feeling left out and tried to make up for it but everything seemed fake. We watched the movie and my man squeezed my had a few times. That made me feel better somehow. But the look in his eyes was tough to bear… It said: Please be ok with this, please allow this to continue… pressure mounted.

One weekend we were asked to bring his son to his grandmother’s, from his mother’s side and after a family activity that went relatively well, we dropped him off. My daughter was disappointed because at this point she was getting along with the son and could not understand why he had to leave to be with his grandmother when he was supposed to be with us. I could see Dad would have liked me to get out of the car and meet the grandparents. But they were his ex’s parents. How could I? They would never like me. They would judge my every move. But how selfish of me not to do this for my stepson and my man. I could see how happy it would have made my man but how could I. I suffocated at the idea. I let him get out of the car and stayed inside with my daughter. But the grandmother came right out to great me and give me kissed. I smiled back, wanting to crawl somewhere deep into a cave!

Then came a puppet show. Dad’s ex had tickets and invited us. I could not refuse could I? This was a nice gesture on her part. I did not want to go and would have much preferred walking on hot coals than feel this awkwardness again but how could I say no. So we went. And it was just as awkward as I imagined. Was I making it worse? How could I change my attitude to make it better. I looked at Dad’s kid, who barely acknowledged our presence and wondered why we were there. He did not care about us. It did not help us bond. I seemed to only relieve Dad, who could keep the peace with everybody. So, I was doing it for him? I looked over at my daughter and felt my heart break. She would just stand there. Dad’s ex did talk to her, everybody was nice. But Dad’s son was playing with his actual brother. They are boys, they played boys games, nothing my daughter was used to.

Time passed by and we decided to try to move it together. As soon as my house (which was too small for all of us full time) sold, I started regretting my decision. It was so difficult ripping myself in two. One week I would feel blissful and happy with my man. We would have long conversations over wine while my daughter played by herself in her room and I felt I was neglecting her. The next week was a family type of weekend: movies, outings, fun suppers. We bought the house. We fought over little things all the time. Tension was building all the time. When we actually signed for the house I wanted to cry… of terror not joy. How could we do this. I did not even know how to be a couple with him… how could we be parents together? His ex-wife and her family was more present than I thought it would be. Phones calls for forgotten shoes, discussion of business. The day I moved out of my house… to go into storage, she called 4 times while he was sitting with me, waiting for the movers. And he had to leave me to go to his son’s baseball game… I was resenting her, him and his son. How could I resent a 9 year old. I could I? My parents were divorced. I hated that feeling of resentment from my dad’s girlfriends. How could I do that to a kid. What kind of a person was I?

We moved in, and I figured things would get better…they didn’t’ I try to get involved in the decoration of the child’s room. I figured it would help me feel closer to him. It didn’t. Then came all the little things. He had snacks before bedtime, I didn’t allow them. Dad insisted on clearing the plates, I didn’t see the point. Everything was an argument. There was baseball practice 3 times a week, the games etc. All these with his ex present. What would we be doing there? Dad’s child did not seem to care. My daughter was resenting all this energy placed on Dad’s son and started acting out, talking back. Dad started resenting my daughter. We were getting nowhere. Then the ex started joining in, the resentment… Booking things during our weekend, choosing the extracurricular activities without consulting us etc… I started to resent ex/mom. Dad did close the business and did realize that activities with me and my daughter were not possible but what about important moments in his son’s life? Did he have to choose between us? Son’s birthday was held at her house and although I tried talking to her, seeing what I could do to help out, I was not needed. I did not go to the birthday party. That may have been a mistake but I just felt so left out. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to have to kick and bite to have a place in my man’s life. Wasn’t he supposed to fight for my place and say: We want to be included… but he never did. He did not want the confrontation and so I started resenting him.

Everything became an imposition. We found out about an appointment the night before, about a game the day before…we cancelled plans, reorganized our lives. All that for Dad’s son. I felt resentment for everyone around. I watched my daughter, follow with her bad attitude and complain and wondered where it would end.

Then my brother told me about his wedding and how my dad was uncomfortable coming. Mostly because of a fight with me but also because of the divorce and my mom being there. Was that my future? Feeling left out of my man’s life? Spending Christmas apart… birthdays… how would this work.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t feel good about myself. I don’t want to feel resentment at my stepson. I don’t want to feel guilt for my daughter. I don’t want to feel both guilt and resentment towards my man. I’m not happy… will I ever be. We talk and talk me and my man but it never seems to end. We go through one crisis after another. And in the end, he will always do what is best for his son. How can I blame him… but can’t we find what’s best for his son, my daughter and for me? Why must we choose one person?

Does it get better. I’m I too impatient? Do I want too much? How do I keep the right balance of sacrifices and self-respect? How do I keep the love of my life… without losing myself completely…

Dear Reader,

Oh, honey! What you describe is an introduction to Stepfamily Life 101. My heart goes out to you and to your family. The good news is that you’re not alone. The dynamics happening in your home are classics. So what do you do about them? I’ve got a couple of ideas for you.

You and your man. There is a reason you’re feeling resentful of your stepson and the ex. I would say that your husband has not clearly marked a line in the sand in regards to his love and committment to you. It is tempting for all of us with children to put our kids before our spouses but this is a mistake. It is an even BIGGER mistake in a stepfamily. During conflict, stepfamilies tend to break down biological lines, which you described above. That means that when there is a fight, all the blood relatives gather together to face down those who are not blood. But in a stepfamily your relationship with your spouse is the weakest link. And it MUST be strengthened for your marriage to survive. If you felt that he supported you 100 percent, then you wouldn’t feel so insecure about the time he gives to his son or that he spends with the ex (more on that in a minute). If you felt secure in your relationship you would be less resentful, and more open to learning how to feel comfortable with the various extended stepfamily members. It is a mistake to think in terms of kids first, then marriage. You have to know he is committed to you and to the marriage and you both have to prove to each other that you’re in it for the long haul. Instead of thinking “kids OR us,” you both need to be thinking “Us AND the kids.” It’s a subtle distinction. But your marriage is in danger if you are continually feeling betrayed by your spouse. Committing to you does not mean that he’s not committing to his son.

2. The ex wife. It sounds like your husband has not set up clear boundaries with his ex wife. This is problematic on several fronts. First, he needs to make his committment to his current relationship if he wants to stay in it. Second, when boundaries are not clear between divorced parents, children get very confused. And this can be really painful for children and it makes accepting a stepparent difficult because they are holding out the hope that their parent’s will re-marry. Even though she is already remarried, I would bet that your stepson still thinks his parents could reunite. Look! They spend Christmas together! Look how they laugh and tease each other! This kind of camaraderie between exes can develop over time and kids can adjust to it just fine, but in the early days when your relationship is still on shaky ground, this can be detrimental to all involved. Your man should have a conversation with his son that goes something like this: “Honey, I know this might be confusing since your mother and I get along so well, but we just couldn’t be married. And we’re never going to be together in that way. We both love you so much. But I am with (YOUR NAME HERE) and I love her and I need you to be respectful of her because she’s an adult in this house.”

3. Your stepson. Let’s just assume for a moment that you’re a good person. Let’s say that you are hurting, and overwhelmed, and feeling betrayed and scared. Your resentment of the time your man gives to your stepson is understandable when you are coming from such a shaky place. It’s clear you don’t want to feel that way, so what do you do about it? Try to put yourself in his shoes. Really open your heart to what it must be like for him to live with you and his Dad and his Mom and Stepdad. Why does he cry at your house? What is making him so sad or scared or hurt? Be curious about his personality and what he is going through. How will this experience with you shape his entire life? Ten years from now what will he have learned from you? We are all human and doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been played. Forgive yourself.

4. Lighten up. Have some fun together! Positive experiences are the things that help new stepfamilies bond. So have some fun as a family and as a couple. Do something enjoyable with your daughter. Then take your stepson out just the two of you. Laughter has tremendous healing power.

Loss of Control

In a culture that increasingly teaches us that the individual is greater than the collective, it’s no surprise that one of the reasons stepfamilies are so challenging is each individual’s loss of control. A child loses control of their space and their things. Each visit they leave things behind or lose them under a bed.

A stepmother loses control of her home environment each time the children visit. Father’s lose control of the decisions that are made by their ex-wives about the children’s lives. Mothers lose control of their children when they leave for Dad’s house.

Everyone feels out of control, which equals FEAR. To begin alleviating fear, find ways to give everyone a sense that they have a say in what is happening in their lives.

Give the kids space. Even if you don’t have a room for each child in your home, consider giving them at least some corner that is theirs. If it’s a drawer, assure them no one will open it while they’re gone. Give them complete control over what happens with that space.

Figure out what you do have influence over.Stepmoms, try this. Make a list of all the things you can control when the stepchildren come over. Your list is probably a lot longer than you think. A stepmom in a bad mood is a powerful, though negative way, that stepmoms control their environment. In what positive, proactive ways can you influence what happens in your home? For instance, in our house we know that transition days are tough so instead of forcing everyone to sit at the dinner table and suffer through a tense meal, we take the night off the family dinner and resume the next night.

Let your children experience their lives. Giving up your kids to the other household when it’s time for visitation can be extremely challenging for bio parents. You have no idea what your kids are doing in the other house. You aren’t there to comfort them when something happens. It’s scary and heartbreaking to give up that control. This might be cold comfort, but remember that our children have their own paths to walk. They have their own lessons to learn and mistakes to make. They will see things and do things at school, at camp, at a job, at college that you have no control over.  The best gift you can give your kids is a relationship with their other bio parent.

Ask for input.If you give everyone in your stepfamily a voice, that can go a long way toward combating the fear that results from a loss of control. If you’re going on vacation together, ask each kid to be responsible for coming up with an activity the family can do together. Ask for ideas about what should be on the menu or in the fridge.

Happy On Sale Day!

There are a bunch of books I’ve been telling you all about for a while, and I’m happy to say that you can get your hands on them today! If you don’t see them on the shelf in your local bookstore, you can purchase them from any online retailer. I’m busy building my resources page and will add these books to my list but in the meantime, here’s a description of each to get you started:

No One’s The Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers by Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine

What it is: A humorous, yet helpful take on navigating the minefield that typically exists between moms and stepmoms.

Why it’s relevant: Over a thousand new stepfamilies form every day! Imagine all those women out there, dealing with a stepmom or bio-mom and slogging through resentment, power struggles, miscommunication, a lack of shared purpose, and worst of all, boatloads of stress. We need a new model for partnership between the two women “stuck with each other” in this situation. When they work together, marriages are stronger, children are happier, and there’s less hair loss all around.

How it will help people: No One’s the Bitch is the kind of book we wish we could have read when we first met! Ten powerful concepts and true-life stories will walk readers past the point of traditional antagonism and into a revolutionary new approach. They’ll learn how to create harmony and cooperation with the other woman along a spectrum of successful possibilities.

As readers increase the sense of cohesion between the two families, they’ll also regain a feeling of control, mastery, and confidence. Helplessness will be replaced by tools for mastery, conflict will be replaced by communication, and both sides will be inspired by a new vision of an extended family that actually works for all involved.

 

The Package Deal: My (Not-So) Glamorous Transition From Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose

In today’s version of Sex and the City, Mr. Big would have kids, and Carrie Bradshaw would look and sound a lot like Izzy Rose, a hilarious and chic new stepmother trying to come to terms with “the package deal.” On any given day, 1,300 women agree to join the ranks of the 15 million and counting stepmothers currently living in the United States, and THE PACKAGE DEAL: My (Not-So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom chronicles one woman’s outrageously funny and poignant journey from sophisticated, single gal in San Francisco to married with (step)children in Texas, where she reinvents the stepmother role for a new generation of daring, confident women.

Falling in love turns many women’s lives upside down, but for the millions of women who fall for men with children from previous relationships, love often leaves them wondering how they ended up raising another woman’s kids. At 35, Izzy was a successful TV producer, living the good life as a “middle-class socialite” in San Francisco. She’s perfectly content to be unmarried and kidless—and then along comes Hank, an irresistible Southern gentleman with two kids of his own. In the parenting department, she’s a total amateur, but she does bring one strength to the new arrangement: she speaks the blended family language. She was a stepkid herself.

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin

How many times have you picked up a book for stepmothers–only to find that its focus is how you can make things better for the kids and their dad? How often have you sought out support and sympathy–only to get an earful of “you shoulds”? Wednesday Martin, a parenting journalist, stepfamily researcher, and stepmother, believed it was time that someone explore stepmothering in a new way–from the stepmother’s point of view. Stepmonster asks how repartnering with a man with kids affects her — psychologically, socially, economically. It also sets out to explode the myths—like the myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother—that have clouded our view of who women with stepchildren are and what they ought to be able to accomplish. Far more than mere replacement parents, Martin insists, women with stepchildren of any age are people first, with their own emotional and cultural baggage to bear.

Going far beyond the usual perfunctory recipes for “how to do it better,” Stepmonster is truly stepmother-centric. It offers real life stories of women with stepchildren gleaned from interviews; first-person confessions from an author who has been there; perspectives from fields like anthropology and evolutionary biology; and a readable synthesis of the psychological and sociological literature on stepmothering, allowing women with stepchildren to see themselves as part of a larger story that is rich in meaning and social significance. On a practical level, Stepmonster suggests, in an unexpected twist, that the Wicked Stepmother may actually be our single best tool for understanding ourselves, and for finding a way to navigate through the stepmothering difficulties that can threaten to overwhelm us. Whether you’re a new stepmother or have been at it for decades, Stepmonster is sure to surprise you—and provide the compassion and understanding you deserve.

Interview with Stepmom Author Izzy Rose

On May 5, stepmom blogger Izzy Rose’s book The Package Deal will be available in bookstores nationwide. Read my interview with her below. Then visit her website to watch the book trailers and pre-order your copy. It’s a fantastic read that will make you want to invite Izzy to your house for drinks.

When you first started your blog Stepmother’s Milk,you were searching for support for stepmoms. Were you surprised at how little there was available?

I was surprised once I learned some of the statistics– that there  are something like 15 million stepmoms in the country today! I thought, if there are so many of us, why isn’t this a mainstream discussion? Why aren’t we on Oprah? Since then, I’ve watched in amazement as our online community has grown. We’re everywhere now! It seems like every day, I discover a new stepmom blog or stepparenting site. It’s very encouraging to see so many women reaching out to each other, connecting and offering advice.
 
Your book describes your first year as a stepmom. How have things changed since then?

I’m more relaxed. I no longer refer to myself as the Ruler of Cleanliness and Order. I just couldn’t keep that role up. I was outnumbered– a husband, two boys and two male kitties! In addition to adjusting to filth and fur, I’d moved across country, given up my career and left friends and family behind. Needless to say, I was a little on edge. Two years later, the newness and panic has worn off. This is a good thing– for everyone’s sake.
 
What three things do you think a new stepmom has to have to survive the first year of stepmotherhood?

1. A surplus of wine
2. A sense of humor
3. Lots of therapy (with you and your man, alone, and maybe with the kids, although you might want to wait on the whole family combo deal until they unpack).

Do you still have full-time custody of the kids?

No, my oldest stepson, The Tall One, is the only kid living with us full-time now, and you’ll have to read the book to find out why.
 
What has been your greatest challenge as a stepmom?

Balancing my own needs with those of the kids. I’m sure every mother struggles with this, but because I married into my parenting role and don’t have kids of my own, I’m never quite sure how much I’m expected to give and compromise. To be honest, it was really tempting early on to shirk some responsibilities because I was “just the stepmom.” But, the reality is that if kids are living full-time under your care, you’re responsible. My stepmom rule is to compromise, but not sacrifice myself. I’m a big believer that if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone else.

There’s been a large debate going on about stepmoms who blog or write books about their families and how it will affect their stepchildren and relationships with their husbands and the ex. How do you decide what you’re going to write about? Do you share your writing with everyone in your family?

I’ve made jokes about moving to Mexico or going into hiding once the book came out to avoid a family mob attack, but truthfully, I think the need for that is slim. In writing The Package Deal, I worked hard to be fair to everyone involved and I made drafts of the manuscript available for family members to read throughout my writing process, and I encouraged them to speak up if something felt wrong or icky.

That said, I’m very honest and I suppose you do run the risk of offending people when you expose your insides. But when you start self-editing to please the crowd, you lose your voice.

Have you ever had someone in your family object to or been hurt by something you’ve written?

Not that I’m aware of and I hope that’s because I’ve made a conscious effort to be respectful. Before I started my blog Stepmother’s Milk, I asked my stepkids if they would be okay with me writing personal stories about our family. It was really important to me that they be on board. Every step of the way, I’ve reminded the boys to come to me if there’s something they don’t want me to write about or if they’ve read something they don’t understand. I’m constantly mindful of their privacy and how far I can push the boundaries.
 
What have been your greatest rewards as a stepmom?

As someone who thought she was missing the mom-gene, it’s been a sweet reward to realize I’m capable of taking on someone else’s kids and not failing horribly at it. The boys showed me a reserve of love I didn’t know was there. I said yes to a marriage proposal and I ended up with a family. A pretty good deal, if you ask me.

If a dear friend told you she was marrying a man with kids what would you say?

Welcome to the club! Becoming a stepmom is so “in” right now. One might say– stepmom is the new black.
 
Do you think you made the right decision when you said yes to your husband, moved to Texas, and signed up to be a custodial stepmom?

Absolutely! I’m in love with my husband, Austin is a fantastic town and in addition to their entertainment value, the kids have helped me grow up. That said, I didn’t always feel that way. There were many days early on when I wanted to scream, WHAT WAS I THINKING! HOW DID I END UP RAISING ANOTHER WOMAN’S KIDS?  My therapist (and yes, every stepmom should have one) helped me realize that in order to survive, I had to adjust my expectations and be willing to reinvent myself. That’s powerful stuff. I remember thinking, OK, I can shift. I can do this.

What advice would you give to a stepmom who is struggling?

Seek out one good girlfriend who is willing to listen to you spill the good, the bad and the revolting. And then spill. I truly believe that laughing and groaning over our shared stories is one of the best antidotes for warding off insanity. It’s worked for me.

Stepmoms Speak

The Stepmom Angle

By Mrs. H.

Mrs. H. maintains a popular blog at A Stepmom’s Say.

Before I met my husband, my dating life was fairly normal. I would meet someone, go out on a date, maybe another. I had one real relationship before I met the man I eventually married. I dated this person on and off for about two years. It wasn’t a good relationship, only because he wasn’t the right man for me. We had been friends before we dated, and it should have stayed that way. Still, as imperfect as that relationship was, nobody ever question my motives for dating him. We broke up, I moved on, and through God’s grace, I met Husband.

Almost from the beginning, people questioned why I would want to date Husband. Now, I know that his friends and family were very protective-his divorce was hard on him, but I was astounded at how critical people were of me. I know that their attitude was from a place of love and concern for Husband, but I was very saddened by it all. If they could see what an amazing guy he is, why was it so hard to believe that I could too? The people that truly were Husband’s real friends came around, and the ones that didn’t are no longer of importance to him. Now that I have the ability to look back on those days with a more critical eye, I realize that dealing with this kind of third party judgmental behavior, was just a prelude to my life as a stepmom. To be sure, there are bad people in the world. Some of them are stepmoms. Some of them are moms. Neither role predisposes itself to ensuring that the person filling those particular shoes will be bad or good. But if we are being honest, stepmoms are far more criticized and placed under suspicion than moms are. People always want to know what a stepmom’s “angle” is. I believe there are a few reasons for this. First, it is not natural to actively participate in the raising of someone else’s children. Sometimes tragedy necessitates this, and when it does, we are far more able to rise to the challenge-especially if that child is of blood relation, like a niece or a nephew. Not only is it not natural, it can be incredibly painful. I can honestly say that nothing has tested me more as a human being than my life as a stepmom. The vast majority of time that I spend thinking about how to better myself as a person, revolves around my role as a stepmom. Second, even though divorce has started to become somewhat of an accepted part of our culture, I believe that divorced individuals still wear somewhat of a Scarlet Letter. While we can accept that our neighbor or fellow church member is divorced, we don’t exactly want our daughter to marry him. Further, why would our daughter want to marry him? Why wouldn’t she want to start with a “clean slate”?

Third, since infidelity seems to have become the shining example of the rich and famous, it becomes the hidden suspicion of every person who comes into contact with Wife #2 that she was “the other woman.” I know many people who are divorced for a variety of reasons-none of which include infidelity; but it satisfies our sensational minds better to think that most marriages end because of some sexual trist by one partner or another. I hate having to endure the sideways glances of the new people that we meet, wondering if I was the reason that poor Stepsons come from a broken home. I know that many people look at our marriage from the outside and wonder why I decided to marry a divorced, bankrupt man with two kids. What’s in it for me? If Husband hadn’t been divorced or had children, nobody would have ever thought to ask that question-but because he is, they do.

Other stepmom blogs, as well as mine, like to discuss the pressures of stepparenting and how this affects their lives. It is a crucial component to who we are. However, what rarely ever gets discussed, and what is just as important, is the weight of third party (including BM) scrutinization of stepmoms. Scrutiny of their motives and of them as people.

All you have to do is read through the comments on my blog or other blogs to see the veracity of this. A normal day when I write about my feelings on this or that, can draw comments accusing me of martyrdom or hatred or bitterness. Somehow, my feelings are more suspect because I am the stepmom. If I express displeasure about something, I must be bitter. If I express happiness about something, I must be selfish. If I criticize BM, I must have an inflated sense of importance, because who the hell do I think I am-I’m only the stepmother.

Forget the pressures of having four children in your home. Forget the drain on your finances or the emotional toll of legal battles. The thing that often weighs most heavily on the hearts of stepmoms is how society treats them. Despite the fact that a good number of these wonderful women do a pretty bang-up job of helping their husbands raise children that are not related to them, they are still treated as second-class citizens. Citizens, whose every move is cast with suspicion as to “what’s in it for them.”

I started feeling better about myself as a stepmom when I stopped letting these third party judgments really get to me. Anyone who thinks that way really has no clue what Husband and I are all about. Still, it can get to me, and I often think about all my online stepmom friends who I am sure go through the same thing. My blog isn’t a self-help page or a textbook diagram of a stepmom. It’s just my thoughts and deeds, in all their imperfect glory. You won’t find answers there. And if you’re looking for an “angle”…Well, I don’t have one.

Maybe my life would be a little bit more interesting to the reader if I was some spiteful, evil stepmother.Or even some selfless Mother Theresa-type giving of her everything to her husband’s first life. Unfortunately, I’m neither of those things-I don’t even look like a big-boobed trophy wife. I’m just a girl who happened to fall in love with a guy that had a little bit more of a past than most of us. And, I love him enough to accept that past as part of our future together.

There is no sainthood, martyrdom or evil plan. There’s just us, trying to figure out how to make it day-to-day.

A Father Speaks

Bill has three kids from a previous marriage. He sent in his list of things he needs from his wife and the stepmother of his children.

• Understanding that sometimes the kids are going to have to come first.
• I apologize for having an ex-wife.
• Understanding that scheduling is going to be hell and it will be for years to come.
• I think the father needs to be a buffer between the stepmother and the bio mother if that’s possible.
• I understand frustration about bio mom but would appreciate it if you don’t make comments about her in front of the kids.
• Thanks for being understanding about my relationship with my kids because I know you will never feel the same way I do about them.
• Communication is very, very important.
• Divorce is not an easy way out. Let’s work through this.

Teleconference Call Reminder

There’s still time to sign up for the teleconference call this Thursday, January 15.

Join me for a live one-hour teleconference call with Emily Bouchard, a stepmom of two, blended family coach, and the founder of www.blended-families.com on Thursday, January 15, 2009, at 6 p.m. PST / 9 p.m. EST as we discuss the challenges and joys of stepmotherhood!

The call is free (except for your local long-distance charges). To participate, all you need to do is submit a question for me here. After you send a question, the instructions for how to get on the call will be emailed to you.

Stepfamily Letter Project

Ladies: I’ve teamed up with Erin on a fun website called the Stepfamily Letter Project and we need your input! Here’s a description from the site:

In the Fall of 2008, Erin  wrote an open-ended letter to her stepdaughter on her blog. The letter was filled with things Erin wished she could say to her 12-year-old stepdaughter but didn’t. From future hopes and dreams to the intricacies of teenage angst, the letter was one stepmom’s heartfelt approach to communicate with her stepdaughter without actually “communicating.”  The letter went on to capture the attention of other stepmoms across the Internet. 

One of those stepmoms, Jacque, had heard of The Mother Letter Project, a compilation of letters that a husband has been collecting his for wife as a Christmas present. 

The letters, written for mothers, could be about anything so long as it was addressed to a mom. At the same time, Jacque popped open her computer to begin her annual holiday letter to her family. Each year Jacque, her husband, and her three stepkids write a letter to each other that describes the previous year’s ups and downs and hopes for the upcoming year. Then they read them out loud to each other. It’s a tradition that Jacque’s dad and stepmom started when Jacque was a teenage stepkid.

And so an idea was born. Why not create a site where blended families could write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings – we wanted to create a place where blended families could write letters to the people in their families  – be it heartful and  joyful to angry or sad.

If you would like to add a letter to the Stepfamily Letter Project, there are a few steps to follow:

1. Compose your letter. We’re taking all kinds of letters: Happy, sad, angry, sweet — it doesn’t matter. We only ask you don’t threaten any harm in your letter. We won’t publish those. 
2. Send your letter. You can send your letter within the body of an e-mail, in a Word document, a text document or Google Doc.  All we ask is that you send it to Stepfamilyletterproject@gmail.com. We’ll try to publish the letters within 48 hours of receipt. 
3. Include your name and e-mail. Obviously, because you’re e-mailing your letter, we’ll have your e-mail address. Please also include your first and last name somewhere in the email . We will not publish your name or e-mail address on the website; however, should we need to contact you for any reason, we’d rather not have to start out with “Hey you with the letter.” 
4. Spread the word. If you know someone in a blended family who you think would want to participate, let them know about the site. We’re happy to answer any questions about the project. We’ve event created this fabulous button (175 pixels x 175 pixels for your web-savvy folks out there) that you can post on your own blog or website.
   

   Stepfamily-Letter-Project

   5. Check back or subscribe. If you have an RSS feed reader or aggregator, sign up for an RSS feed for the site. This way, you’ll be alerted when we post a new letter. 

S.M.A.C.K.s for Stepmoms: Refuse to trash-talk.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is not a stepmom but is a divorced mother of one. Her ex is not remarried. She told me about a stepmother she met who as soon as my friend voiced compassion, the floodgates opened and this stepmom spilled her guts to my friend.

In the same week I had a talk with one of my dear friends who is now a stepmom of one. She told me that when I first started talking to her about what it was like to join a stepfamily, she thought I was exaggerating. But then she lived the experience herself and found out just how challenging it can be.

It’s clear that we stepmoms need people we can talk to about our feelings, but there is a line we cross sometimes that moves from venting to living full-time in negativity. So how can we be honest about our feelings, and then move through them and create a more positive life instead of wallowing in the yucky parts?

Let’s try an experiment. For the next two weeks pay attention to how you talk about your stepfamily. I asked you to do this in my book, and I’m bringing it up here again because it is so important. If you find yourself trash-talking your husband or your stepkids to everyone you know, you’re going to make your home life even more challenging. Instead, practice neuro-linguistic programming. For the next two weeks take a vow that you will only say positive things about your husband, stepkids, the ex. Refuse to engage in any trash-talking and see what happens. At the end of two weeks check in with yourself. Do you feel different? Have you had the same old fights? Has anything changed?

For more S.M.A.C.K.s, check out my other blog: www.smackyourinnercritic.com

The disengagement creep.

If you’ve read this blog for a while, you know I had a child of my own nine months ago. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I have found that I’ve started the disengagement creep with my stepchildren. Here is what I am guilty of:

• Instead of tucking them in and saying goodnight, I go to bed early with the baby. Sometimes I don’t even say goodnight at all, but just disappear upstairs.
• While making the emotional transition to mother, I have wanted to turn inward. I developed tunnel vision as I nested and marveled at the experience. By doing this, I alienated my stepchildren.
• Instead of making me feel a stronger bond with my stepfamily, having a child of my own made me feel the differences and emotional gaps between us even more.
• I have become more critical of my stepchildren’s mother. Though I can identify with her in new ways, I have become less tolerant of the behavior I disagree with now that I have a child of my own.

Since it’s still within the first days of January, I think I’ll make myself a 2009 plan to combat my disengagement. 

1. I will say goodnight to my stepkids every night they are here.
2. I will spend time with each of them and show interest in their lives.
3. I will not feel guilty if I mess this up now and then.
4. I will allow myself to acknowledge the differences I feel for the children in our home without feeling guilty about them. It is what it is. But I will do what I can to avoid showing favoritism.  
5. I will team up with my husband to plan fun activities for the entire family like we used to.

The good news is that emotional transitions are just that: transitions. They come to an end. I can already tell we are moving in a new direction because my husband and I were finally able to have a discussion about the fact that I’ve disengaged over the past year. My daughter is older and I am more settled in my new role as stepmom and mom. The kids are growing up and have accepted their baby sister into the fold now that she can play with them.

Soon I’ll crawl out of the nest I built and re-engage with my stepchildren and it will feel good. But I will always be grateful to my husband that he gave me the chance to have a little tunnel vision with my daughter without making me feel like I was turning into a wicked stepmother.