Taking Things Personally

Stepfamily experts tell us to not take things our stepchildren say personally. Sounds easy, but when you’re listening to a stepkid shout that they hate you and wish you’d never met their dad, it’s next to impossible not to feel hurt. Try one of these tips for maintaining a cool head when you’re the target of a kid’s emotional pain.

1) Acts of kindness. Maintain a positive, supportive attitude instead of joining the child in a fight. Show empathy and kindness instead of anger. For instance, if a child shouts that you can’t tell her what to do when you ask her to pick up her room, instead of responding with anger, calmly tell her that she knows the house rules and she must abide by them. Make sure to include statements such as, “I know this must be hard for you to have two houses,” or “It’s a bummer that you have to follow the rules of our house and your mom’s, but someday you’ll get to make your own choices about how you live when you get your own apartment!”

2) Forget about it. When you’re hurt or outraged by something your stepkid said, it’s easy to replay the comment in your mind until your anger escalates into a grudge it’s hard to let go of. Try noticing the next time you allow your thoughts to increase your anger and instead consciously soothe yourself with positive self-talk, an outing with friends or an appointment with your massage therapist.

3) Practice self-confidence. If a child is being disrespectful, tell him you understand how he feels but that he is still not allowed to treat you poorly. Remember that you are influencing those children, and by demonstrating your own self-worth, you are teaching them something important.

4) Be gentle with yourself. Repeat this mantra whenever you are feeling attacked: “I am doing the best I can. I am doing the best I can.”

5) Imagine your stepchild’s life. Think about your own childhood. Did your parents divorce? Did you have to go back and forth between two homes? Did you have to listen to your parents badmouth each other? Were you a witness to violence or were you confused when your parents suddenly announced their divorce? Or are you from a happy home? Compare your upbringing with your stepchildren’s and see if you can find compassion for these people who are experiencing something that is painful, confusing, scary, and will change their very identities.

Your Questions Answered

My husband turns into a different man every time the kids come over. Our entire relationship changes. We don’t have sex. We hardly talk to each other except about things related to the kids. I have gotten to the point where I dread the weeks we have the kids and I’m starting to resent my husband more and more. Help!

This is an issue that every couple who has kids living in the house struggles with. How can you maintain your identity as a couple while you are hit with all the stressors that raising kids entails? It’s important to maintain a sense of togetherness even when the kids are over. That usually means you have to consciously create those moments together. You both have to realize how important they are to the marriage. But those moments of connection don’t have to take a lot of time.

Perhaps setting the alarm clock an hour early so you can get up together and have a quiet cup of coffee every single morning before the kids wake up can help you feel more intimate. If you tend not to have sex while the kids are over, maybe you should both be more conscious of other kinds of touch, such as holding hands or a shoulder rub at the end of the night. Send your spouse an e-mail or two during the day to let him know how much you love him. Spring for a babysitter once a week, or take advantage of having the kids part-time and stock up on your date nights when you don’t have the kids.

I feel like my husband and his ex are using my stepson as a way to get back at each other. They don’t seem to see what they’re doing to him. But I can see it. They make him choose sides, which is totally unfair! For instance, they’ll say, “Honey, do you want to spend the weekend with Mommy or Daddy?” Why can’t they just stick to the schedule? They make him get in the middle of their arguments. I’ve seen him go from a happy kid to a sullen kid in one year. What can I do to help him?

What a heartbreaking situation! This is a popularity contest and a who-has-the-last-word battle at the expense of the mental health of this child. You’re right to be worried about your stepson. Do you remember when Alec Baldwin’s phone call to his 12-year-old daughter was leaked to the press? The pictures of that little girl tell you everything you need to know about that story. She has the look of a kid whose parents use her in a game of tug-of-war.

So what can you do to help your stepson? Be that angel on your husband’s shoulder constantly whispering into his ear. Help him see, gently and with great kindness, how his anger at his ex is hurting his son by placing his child into a loyalty bind. He can’t be asked to choose between his parents. He loves them both. And when one parent badmouths the other, a kid takes it personally because he is the child of that person, too. It’s no surprise that a bulk of the stepkids who really act out as teenagers come from this kind of family where mom and dad are still battling it out.   Many adults I’ve talked to who grew up in stepfamilies talk about this dynamic. Many say they will never get married because they don’t trust people. They’ve never seen a healthy model of a relationship. And if something goes south with a boyfriend or girlfriend, they just leave. Of course there are those kids who swing to the opposite side and choose to become the best partners in the world because they’re so scared of divorce. Either way, when parents put their kids in the middle like this, it causes lasting harm.

Overcoming Resentment of Your Stepchildren

1) Find the Good. Write down the good qualities you see in your stepchild. For instance, you might jot down smart, witty, a survivor. Then add the lessons you’ve learned from being a stepmother. How has this experience made you a better person?

2) Schedule a Play Date. Find something that you and your stepkids love to do, then find a time to do it. For instance, if everyone loves a spirited game of charades, play it as a family. It’s hard to keep a frown on your face when you’re doing something fun; laughter has bonding power.

3) Imagine Another Life. If you were to put yourself in your stepchild’s shoes, how would you describe their life? Can you imagine what it’s like for them? It’s easier to find your compassion when you’re thinking about how someone else must feel instead of allowing yourself to spiral into the self-focused thoughts generated by negativity.

4) Vent Your Anger. Ask your best gal pal to let you get everything off your chest. But before you do, make your friend promise to remind you that once you’re finished spewing all the anger, you need to come up with an action item that will help you feel empowered.

5. Pamper Yourself. Be kind to you. It’s easy for stepmoms to feel ashamed of their resentments, anger, hurt feelings. But shame is a destructive emotion. It’s OK to feel resentful toward your stepchildren. It’s natural. It’s not OK to let the shame direct your actions. Accept your feelings and find a way to move to a place of peace with your stepchildren by doing one small thing every day to combat the bad feelings.

The Doctor Is In: Joshua Coleman

Guest columnist Dr. Joshua Coleman practices in San Francisco and Oakland, California. His new book, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You And Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins) came out last year.

Dr. Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families and relationships. Sign up for his FREE monthly e-zine at www.drjoshuacoleman.com.

Stepmothering: What You Need To Know

Being a stepmother is hard and sometimes thankless work. While some are able to establish close and comfortable relationships, many struggle with the role. In addition, children are typically more tolerant and accepting of stepfathers than of stepmothers. Here are some important reasons:

1) Loyalty Factor
Children often have intense feelings of loyalty to their mothers after divorce. Professor Linda Nielsen, author of an excellent book titled “Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship with Your Dad that You Always Wanted” conducted a 15-year study of daughters in college. She found that most college-educated daughters discriminate against Dad when it comes to giving him the same chance they give their moms to get to know one another, to talk about personal matters, to have meaningful conversations or to allow him to express sadness or grief. Dad is still more likely than Mom to be treated as a critical judge and a banking machine. These feelings of loyalty to Mom can directly interfere with a stepchild’s desire or ability to bond with the stepmother.

2) High Expectations of Self
For better or worse, women come into marriage with the expectation that they should be loving, nurturing, and supportive. A stepmother who tries to be close to a stepchild who is uninterested or unwilling may walk away feeling resentful and rejected. One of the largest, best-controlled studies of divorce (Hetherington, 2002) found that one fourth of grown stepdaughters carried intense feelings of negativity about their stepmothers and only one-fourth described their relationship as close as adults. 

3) High Expectations from Husband
Men are likely to hold their wives to the same standard that women hold themselves to. That is, they often believe that their new wives or girlfriends should be able and eager to step into the mothering role. This is both unrealistic and unreasonable. 

4) What to do?
Be a friend, not a mom, to your stepkids unless it’s completely clear that mothering is what they really want from you.  

Let your husband do the disciplining, not you.

Be assertive when you need to be. Your stepchildren may test your limits. While you can’t assume that they’re going to want to be close to you, you can hold them to the same standard of respect that you’d expect from anyone else. Therefore, they can’t call you names, they can’t take your stuff without asking and they can’t boss you around.

Take the long-term perspective. Your partner chose you, his children didn’t, so it may take them quite a while to adjust to the divorce and accept that dad’s primary love interest is no longer their mother. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a good (or tolerable) relationship with stepchildren. Typically, it takes years, so try not to get too discouraged by the inevitable ups and downs.

You Talkin’ To Me?!!!: Anger Management is a crucial skill for stepmoms.

I wrote a book about becoming a stepmom because I was scared. I wanted to talk to as many people as I could to make sure that I did it “right.” And I learned so much from the many brave stepfamilies I interviewed for the book. I found out what worked. I wrote it all down. I practiced it in my own home. But there are still days when I can’t handle stepmotherhood with much grace at all.

Some days I am in such a bad mood that I am not fit for human company. Those are the days when my thoughts spiral down into negativity. When I feel claustrophobic in my own home. When I feel taken advantage of because I am providing free daycare to kids not my own. When I feel assaulted by the noise and chaos. When the last thing I want to do is sit down for a stepfamily meal to bond with my stepkids; I’d rather jump off a bridge, thank you very much.

And the resentment builds.

Even when I am volatile and cranky and just plain burnt out, I know I don’t want to keep resentment in my heart. In five years or 10 years I don’t want to be mad about something that happened today. I don’t want to explode someday because I’ve never gotten my anger out. So in this post I wanted to write about anger and the things that stepmoms can do to dissipate resentment because I need to learn how to do it, too.

Escape Clause
Head out for a weekend getaway alone or with a close friend. Changing up your daily routine can help you, your spouse and the kids get a fresh perspective.

Play Time
Do something you really love to do. When was the last time you actually took time to do something you love? Americans are taking fewer and fewer vacation days. So what if you just took a day off from work or taking care of the kids and took care of yourself? What if you took today off? Or tomorrow?

Anger 101
Be mad. Be hurt. Be outraged. Acknowledge your feelings. If you’re mad, tell a trusted friend you’re mad. Write it down. Get it out into the open air. Swear if you need to. Name the feelings you’re having. Write a letter to the person you’re mad at. Tell them why. Tell them what they could do to make you feel better. Destroy the letter, send the letter, or call the person you’re upset with and have a discussion about what happened. Even if you’re upset, make sure to use compliments and gratitude to ease the tension so you can have a real conversation, and not a fight that ends with either of you saying hurtful things you can’t ever take back.

Body Building
Stretch out on your bed, the couch or the floor and tense your entire body. Tighten your hands into fists, make an angry scowl. Hold your breath and hold the position for as long as you can. Then let all your muscles relax and breathe out. Do it a few times. If you’re daring, add a scream when you tense and a big, loud sigh when you let the pose go.

Creative Solutions
If there’s something happening at home that bugs you, be as creative as possible to find ways around the issue. For instance, with three kids in the house, there were A LOT of stinky shoes cluttering up the front hallway of our home. It drove me crazy. I hated those shoes. And for a few days I didn’t do anything about it but complain to my husband and get madder and madder. I had just tripped over a set of sneakers on my way to the car and was about to go on a rampage when my eye caught two sets of metal racks in the garage that were holding an assortment of junk: tools, baseballs, bicycle helmets. And I had a stroke of genius: I could use those racks! So I lined them up in the garage right by the door and gave each kid a shelf to put their shoes on. They sometimes leave their shoes next to the racks instead of in them, but at least they are out of sight and don’t present a danger to anyone coming into our house.

Breathe
Take time out for deep breaths to nourish your body with all the oxygen it needs.

Now you: What strategies do you use when you’re feeling angry and resentful?