Conversation Starters: Do you want a baby?

6 01 2009

If you’re dating a man with kids from a previous marriage, don’t wait to talk about whether or not you’ll have a child together. The last thing you want to do is find out after the marriage certificate is signed that your new spouse has no intention of having any more kids when you’ve always dreamed of giving birth. (Believe me, girls. I’ve heard this sad story from more than one stepmom!) Make sure you know exactly where you both stand on the baby making issue. Spend an evening at home, spread out a tasty dinner, and uncork the wine. Then use this list of questions to get the discussion flowing:

  1. Do we want a baby? Why or why not?
  2. How do we think a new baby will affect our relationship as a couple?
  3. Will our stepchildren/children welcome a new half-sibling? What can we do to facilitate good feelings?
  4. Do we think a new baby will affect our relationship with the ex(es)?
  5. Do we think Stepmom will feel different about the new baby than she feels about her stepchildren? Is that okay?
  6. Will Stepmom’s child have to follow the same rules as Dad’s kids?
  7. How will we both feel if we can’t have, or decide not to have, a baby?
  8. Will you resent your stepchildren if you can’t or don’t have a baby?
  9. Do we make a good parenting team? If not, how can we become one?
  10. What if Dad has already had a vasectomy? Is he willing to have a reversal surgery? Can we afford it?
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2 responses

6 01 2009
Crys

That was actually one of the first couple of questions I asked after we decided to get serious. I knew it was kind of blunt, but considering he already had kids and was asking me to become a step-mom I figured I was entitled to ask up front about future children of my own.

7 01 2009
legallyirrelevant

This was an important conversation with my husband, in fact, it was within a month of when we started dating. And especially since before we got together I wasn’t sure if I even wanted children and if we did decided to have children it would require surgery and money to do so. It was a scary conversation because knowing that I would become a stepmom was one thing, but acknowledging that I actually wanted to consider children of our own was another. But it was definitely a required conversation. And I’m glad we had it. I’m looking forward to expanding our family very soon!

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