In the past month I’ve had several conversations with stepmothers who think about their partner’s ex constantly. They just can’t seem to stop obsessing about her. Please raise your hand if you’ve ever spiraled into negative thoughts about the ex that just won’t quit. Is everyone’s hand raised?
I always pay attention when I have the same conversation with more than one stepmom. And lately there’s been a lot of talking about the concept that we’re addicted to suffering. Having a challenging ex to deal with for some couples can feel like you’re charging into battle with your mate, ready to fight side-by-side. it makes you feel closer to your spouse. It can make you feel needed and give you a sense of control. But that is not a solid foundation to build a marriage on, my friends.
How many of you read every email the ex sends or talk to your husband about every conversation he has with her? I have two challenges for you this week.
#1. Take a week off having to know everything. Let your partner deal with the ex. If her emails make your blood boil because you’re so hacked off at her treatment of your spouse, I’m talking to you. Don’t read them for one week. You don’t have to read them. In fact, you’ll probably be happier if you don’t. And you can still support your partner emotionally as he deals with her challenging emails.
#2. Turn her into a human being instead of a monster. I wrote about this in my book, but it’s worth repeating a million times. We stepmoms often build up the ex (living or dead) into this monster or mythic being that has superpowers to make our lives hell. But the truth is, she’s just a regular old human being just like you. There could be many reasons for her behavior: fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. How can you turn her into a human being? Write her a letter? Imagine how she would describe her life to her best friend?
Rumination is something that I often struggle with. My thoughts get snagged on something and off I go down into the pit until I’ve made myself even angrier than I was to begin with. There is a part of me that is addicted to suffering, because the truth is, I could STOP those thoughts at any time. If you’ve read my book or listened to my Stepmom Circles podcasts you’ve heard my pineapple exercise. It works. I still use it sometimes.
What do you use to help you stop negative thoughts and end your suffering? The ex-wife is not ours to control, but our thoughts about her are!