Stepmothers: Collect Your Evidence

10 01 2011

There are stretches of time in which I notice every little thing my husband does wrong. Know what I mean? My eyes see that he has dropped his clean clothes in a pile beside the bed instead of how hot he looks in his new sweater. I see that he has left the shovels out on the front porch instead of noticing how he pulled me in for a hug while we made dinner. I begin collecting evidence about how MUCH I do and how LITTLE he does to support our household. Does this sound familiar to you?

Not a great way to build a strong partnership.

So how about if we collect evidence that our partners LOVE us and focus on that instead? Take a moment and write down all the evidence that your partner loves you. Write down all the ways in which you’re perfect for each other and the ways he supports you. Make a list of all the activities you love doing together or those small moments you spend together that you love the most.

Laminate the list and pull it out when you want to feel more lightness and love in your relationship.


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3 responses

10 01 2011
Paula Bisacre

I LOVE this advice. We often receive advice that is instructive in a general way; e.g. “love more,” “focus on the positive,” etc. I think it is great that you take it a step further and make a practical and specific recommendation on how to carry it out.

11 01 2011
Carrie

A woman wants to be a mom, typically way before a man wants to be a dad. In many cases (and I realize not all), the woman convinces the man that time is right. Then after the baby comes, the woman expects (and secretly demands) that the husband lives up to her ideal of what a dad should be. And when her vision doesn’t match the reality, she’s disappointed. Disappointment can lead to separation and eventually divorce.

And that’s when the new girlfriend (who eventually becomes stepmom) comes into the picture. It’s a tough, uphill battle for this new relationship from there. The only hope it has is the close close close connection between the man and woman. Hold on to it. Treasure it. Honor it. Stick up for it.

But defense of the relationship should come from both sides. And it must be genuine. Your love for each other will see you through.

As women, we need to acknowledge and take responsibility for the pressure we put on our men to father a child. Please the time is right. Please let’s do it. Please think of how happy we’ll be. Please it’s time to start our family. But what about please let me understand you’re objections to what we’re about to do. And can we come to a compromise on when to begin this journey.

15 01 2011
Erin

I couldn’t agree more. Every so often, we bring up a question that has become something of a habit when we see that the other person needs some love and reinforcement: “what made you happy today?”

For us, it is a simple question that turns into a conversation, and that conversation turns into a place where we feel good about ourselves and each other.

We bring up simple things: “I loved coming downstairs to the toast and peanut butter that you made me”; “I was happy because the sun was shining on last night’s snowfall”. We bring up big things: “I appreciated that you told me about a tough conversation, even though you knew it might be hard for me”; “I felt loved by your kids tonight”.

I have found that the act of searching for the happy moments of the day has made me focus on the ones that matter – and let go of those that do not.

We seem to be our best as a couple when we can bring to life the best of ourselves as individuals.

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