Stepfamily Planning

1 05 2012

Dear Stepmoms,

I’ve been quiet on my blog for a while because I’ve been busy writing other books. I’m really excited to finally be able to share this one! Last summer I met a remarkable woman named Lynn Devlin, who wanted to write a book about her story. She’s a speaker and workshop leader but needed a writer to help her get her story into the world. We worked closely together all last fall. Lynn is a palliative care and hospice nurse who regularly deals with end-of-life issues. When her husband of 24 years was diagnosed with Stage Four cancer, she was horrified. How could this have happened in her house?

Just like stepfamily issues, end-of-life issues are incredibly challenging to discuss with your partner, but they are critical. Have both of you created advance care directives so your partner knows how you want to be taken care of if you can’t speak for yourself? (Only 18% of American adults have completed theirs.) How about your estate planning? It gets complicated in stepfamilies. Have you planned your funeral so your spouse doesn’t have to?

No doubt all of this planning won’t go into effect until many, many decades from now. But after listening to Lynn’s story, my husband and I planned our funerals so I know what he wants and he knows what I want.

It’s a tear-jerker of a book. One that readers can’t put down–even the guys. We’ll be doing a big book party and cancer fundraiser in Minneapolis this summer. I’ll keep you posted so if you’re in the area and want to meet Lynn, you can.

I hope you’ll check out the book or pass it along to friends and family who might need it. And I really hope you’ll start thinking about this stuff even though it’s hard to do. It’s important.

Here’s the book:

Cancer Widow

Here’s Lynn’s website:

www.cancerwidow.org

Love,

Jacque

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Are You a Stepfamily Statistic?

27 03 2012

A big thank you to everyone for your comments on my last post. The 99 percent study was done by E. Mavis Hetherington, a big-wig in the stepfamily research scene. It was a SMALL sample of people, which is problematic, and as one commenter said, statistics are incredibly hard to get a handle on. I am always one to advocate that we are not the statistics we read about! I am also one to always be realistic about what we’re facing so that we can incorporate success measures into our families and lives on purpose. YOU are not a statistic. You are a human being living with a unique set of personalities that may or may not follow what others have done.

But…why wouldn’t you learn the tools you need to give yourself the best chance you can? Why wouldn’t you learn how to communicate better or learn how to deal with conflict with your spouse or learn what the unique dynamics of a stepfamily are? Then you will be ready for success!

In my book I cited the statistics. And my book has been voted the most hopeful and optimistic of all the books for stepmothers that are out there. You need to know the truth so you can decide if you will be one of the percentage that fails or one of the percentage that thrives. There are MANY successful stepfamilies out there. Will your family be one of them? That is entirely up to you and your partner.

Best wishes,

Jacque





Stepfamily Love Maintenance

25 02 2012

In the last week I’ve received 10 emails from women whose relationships with their partners are in trouble. Sadly, I can’t say that this is uncommon. Most of us know that the divorce rate in the U.S. hovers around 50%. For every re-marriage one has, the divorce rate goes up. So second marriages are in greater danger. Third marriages in even greater peril, etc. If one or more partners has children from a previous marriage the divorce rate spikes to 75%. There is very controversial research that says if a brand new stepmother enters a family with stepdaughters ages 12 to 17, the divorce rates shoots up to 99%. This research does not include families in which the stepmother entered the family when the children are young.

Scary numbers, right?

In a stepfamily, the couple is the weakest link. I’ve written about that before and the research remains the same. The couple has had the least amount of time together and if push comes to shove, the blood relationships are the strongest.

So here’s my question: What kind of preventative maintenance do you and your spouse do to keep your marriage strong? A stepmother I talked with recently said she and her husband picked up the book 365 Nights, which is about a couple who decided to make love every night for a year. They made it to seven months (she got pregnant and had terrible morning sickness).

Some couples plan vacations together. Some go on date nights every week.

What do you do?





Guest Post: Author Tami Butcher

6 01 2012

Hello Dear Stepmoms!

I get letters all the time from families looking for books to read to their young children about remarriage (besides Cinderella), but I don’t have a lot of answers to give. Tami Butcher wrote My Bonus Mom! Taking the Step out of Stepmom, a picture book for kids that helps families talk about divorce and remarriage. Yay! She’s written a guest post for my blog today. If you’ve got young stepchildren in your household, check it out at  www.mybonusmombook.com. Happy New Year everybody! Love, Jacque

As a child, Tami Butcher grew up with what she lovingly refers to as her “bonus mom,” a nurturing, caring woman many in society would refer to as a “stepmother.” Tami’s parents amicably divorced when she was 11, and for the sake of Butcher and her three sisters, decided to keep each other fully involved in their children’s lives despite the divorce. Eventually both her parents remarried, but they continued to share birthdays, holidays and special times together with their children, as well as with their new spouses. Because of her parents’ efforts, Butcher and her sisters grew up feeling blessed for having two moms and dads instead of “stepparents.”

I had two important women in my life. One was a savvy businesswoman who taught me how to run for Student Body President and what to put on a resume.  The other, an animal lover who never knew a stranger, taught me the importance of a good book and the meaning of hugs instead of handshakes.  One woman was my biological mom, the other was my “bonus mom.” Nancy came into my life when I was 14. I liked her right away, she exuded warmth and kindness. Heck, mom liked her just as much as us. Looking back, it was not one particular thing, but an assortment of many things making Nancy a great stepmom. She never tried to take mom’s place, she never competed for affection and certainly never said a bad word about dad’s “ex.” What she did tell us is that she would love us and our dad unconditionally forever.

Both my parents have been remarried for 28 and 30 years. In those years we have shared holidays, birthdays, graduations, births and deaths together, all of us. As children of a divorced family, you can’t imagine how much easier it made life for us. Guilt, hard feelings, nervousness, taken away because my parents decided early on to put their own egos aside for the sake of us kids. I am an adult now, happily married 15 years with 3 children of my own. What I learned from my parents and bonus parents I could never have gotten from a textbook or manual, I learned it from their actions and their example. I know how difficult it must have been to bite their tongue at times. Anger and bitterness certainly followed a divorce, I know that now. But it is also a state of mind that you can adjust. My parent’s certainly adjusted theirs and because of them, my 3 sisters and I grew up loving life, loving our family and loving our bonus parents. A lot of friends ask, how did you do it? Your family could not have been comfortable sharing all those times together? Really I ask? Try coming to Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s house, where she and Nancy are in the kitchen laughing and dancing while Dad and Ken are on the couch together cheering on their favorite football team giving high fives. You have to see it to believe it, but I promise you, it’s real, very real.

 





New Stepmom Circles Podcast: Stepfamilies and Money, Part One

21 07 2011

A new Stepmom Circles Podcast is ready! When I first began researching stepfamily life so I could write my book, I came across Dr. Margorie Engel. At the time she was the president of the Stepfamily Association of America, which is now the National Stepfamily Resource Center and we talked then about stepfamily money issues. I recently interviewed Dr. Engel again and we talked for hours about all the things that stepfamilies face when it comes to money: saving for college, insurance, estate planning and much, much more. This podcast is the first in a series of three. She also generously gave us documents to help guide our discussions of these topics with our families.

Click on the link below to download the packet of information. I hope these Stepmom Circles podcasts lead to fruitful discussions for you and your family. Good luck!

Stepfamily Information.Engel





Accepting Stepfamily Life

26 05 2011

“When I argue with reality, I lose–but only 100% of the time.” –Byron Katie

At some point you have to accept your stepfamily life for all it is and stop fighting it. Know what I mean? It’s so easy to get sucked into the “If only X was different, my life would be happy,” spiral in everyday life. When you add difficult stepchildren, challenging exes, and beleaguered stepparents, it’s enough to spend a lifetime arguing with reality.

An example: Many stepmothers I have interviewed over the years have insisted on speaking only of the ex-wife practically the entire time we talk. For many of us, the other woman is a reality of stepfamily life that we fight against. We say things like: “If only she’d leave us alone.” “If she had any rules over there, the kids would be doing better in school.” “If only she had a job.” If she weren’t so crazy.” “If she stopped calling the house.” “If only she married somebody else…” and we end each of those sentences with “…my life / marriage would be better/perfect/happy.”

And certainly, there are things about stepfamily life that do get easier over time. Sometimes the relationship with the ex smooths out after a few years. Sometimes an ex moves away. Sometimes an ex remarries and life does improve significantly. But sometimes none of those things happen and we just continue to fight reality instead of accepting it. And that makes the reality worse.

Part of the job of each member of the stepfamily is to learn how to accept the things that come along with stepfamily life that we can’t change. That ex? She’s here to stay. So how can you stop fighting what is and accept it? How can you work with your thoughts so the situation itself doesn’t have as much power to upset you?

The fact is, there are things we just have to swallow about life. As most of our parents told as at one time or another, life ain’t fair. So how can you make the most of what you do have? How can you focus your mind on the wonderful areas where you and your family are doing really well? How can you build peace into your daily life?

You decided to marry / date / live with a partner who has kids from a previous relationship. That’s reality.

He has kids. That’s reality.

He has an ex, whether she’s alive or dead. That’s reality.

So let’s get on with the business of figuring out how we’re going to live with the reality in the best, most positive and healthy way possible for ourselves and everyone in our families.

Yes?





Stepmothers and the Illusion of Control

19 05 2011

When I interviewed Dr. Paul Rosch, the president of the American Institute of Stress, he told me that when you don’t feel like you have control, you feel stress. This comes as no surprise to stepmothers everywhere. But I’ve noticed in my own life and in talking to stepmoms that we often react to this lack of control in our home lives by becoming tense and controlling over things that the research on stepfamilies tells us often result in backfiring. (Manners, cleanliness, rules, grades, food,  schedules, ex-wives, etc.)

I reacted to the stress of moving in with three children and their dad. Boy did I ever. But after a while, we found our equilibrium. I found little things I could control that made me feel more involved in the family. And I worked hard to develop a really strong marriage so I felt safe enough to let go of some control. Most days this works. Some days it doesn’t and I continue to struggle with the things I have no say over.

When I had my daughter, the lack of control that is inherent in getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child brought me to my knees in a way that stepmothering didn’t. I had a say about what I put in my mouth while I was pregnant so my child got all the nutrients she needed. But I didn’t have a say in how or whether she grew in the dark of my tummy. I have a say in how this girl is raised like I have never had with my stepchildren, but she can still choke on an apple and all of my carefully laid plans are thrown out the window as I work to help her get the food out of her throat. I have a say in what school she goes to, what books she reads, and her access to the Internet, but she can still fall and break an arm.

This is what I’ve been meditating on lately. We need to feel control over our lives and our environments. I agree. And at the same time, life will have its way with us no matter how we plan or clean or prepare healthy foods for our families.

It comes down to the same things it has always come down to:  How do we feel safe enough to let go of control just for the sake of having something to control? How do we make peace with the fact that, really, we don’t have control over the big things in life? The ones that matter more than anything else?