Your Questions Answered

Q. Hi, I finished your book about 2 months ago, and I want to tell you that it’s the most relevant book I’ve ever read. As a new step-mom I have so many questions, concerns and unexplained (and unexpected!) feelings. I am so thankful for your book! I have been married 4 months, after dating my husband for a year and a half and my step-daughter is almost 6. We have her every Friday night, and then every other full weekend, as well as split holidays. My step-daughter and I get along wonderfully, but my husband and I have no communication with bio-mom whatsoever, and I don’t think that will ever be possible (her choice), though they split up before my step-daughter was even born. We do our parenting completely blind to what happens in the rest of her life when she is not with us, but we present a united front as far as rules, etc. goes, and work very hard to show her a secure and loving home environment. I have some questions that I think you may be able to offer some feedback on. First, what should I say when people ask me things like “Is this your little one?” when my stepdaughter is out with me? When I’m with my stepdaughter, I just say something along the lines of “yes, this is my stepdaughter” and that seems to be ok, but it that ok for her? She always tells me that she’s my daughter, but never tells me that I’m her mother. I want a response that I can be comfortable with, but that will also make her feel good about herself and our relationship.

A. I think it is always best to ask your stepdaughter what makes her feel comfortable. Ask her if she wants you to correct someone in public when they say, “your daughter.” Ask her if she’d rather you not explain your exact situation because the only thing that matters is that you and she know that your her stepmom and you love her. Sometimes kids are more embarrassed when we try to tell a stranger about our complicated families.  We put our stepkids in a loyalty bind when we ask them to call us “mom” or some variation of that and it makes them feel uncomfortable or they get flack about it from their Moms. When I asked my stepkids what they wanted me to do when people asked, “Is that your mom?” or some other related question, they said, “Just tell them your my stepmom.” And that was the end of it. Now when people ask, I’ve gotten used to saying that and it doesn’t have any negative connotations in my mind because it is simply a descriptor that other people understand.

Q. What about when my husband and I are out together without her and people ask if we have kids? This is the absolute worst—as soon as I say that my husband has a daughter, I’m dismissed completely, and the situation becomes uncomfortable. Bio-moms seem to have no respect for a stepmom and they don’t really know what to do with us. Again, I wonder how I can be honest in this situation without making people (especially me!) feel uncomfortable, while at the same time expressing the value the my stepdaughter, my husband and I place on our close relationship. I am more sensitive to reactions than my husband is, and maybe I’m just too sensitive in general, but it seems like they then find you lacking and completely loose interest. If I am asked when I’m alone if I have kids I just say that I have a stepdaughter, and while they loose interest almost immediately then too (unless they happen to be a stepparent) it seems less uncomfortable. Why is this?

A. People are uncomfortable with stepparents for two reasons in my opinion. First, because the stepparent feels uncomfortable and we transmit those feelings. Second, because stepfamilies are different, and people don’t know what to say. Because stepfamilies are formed in the wake of sorrow after a death, affair, or even a “good” divorce, the negative connotations that go along with the title “stepparent” are absolutely real. I know first-hand the discomfort you describe. We have four kids in our home. When people ask how many kids I have, what do I say? Four? One? One and three stepkids? After much trial and effort I came to a response I feel comfortable with most of the time. “I have a daughter and three wonderful stepchildren.” When you admit to a social group that you’re a stepmom it can feel like you don’t belong, but I bet if you started asking around you would see that plenty of people in the room either are stepparents, are married to one, or had one themselves. Rumor has it stepfamilies outnumber first families in the United States. So think about that the next time you feel like the odd-woman out. It might help!

Q. How do I talk to my husband about some of the things I feel because of my role as a stepmom? I can’t share your book with him because he would panic, terrified that I don’t want to be with him because of all these tricky emotions. That’s not the case at all, but he doesn’t really get that. I already tried to express some of the difficulties I face with adapting to this new role, but it didn’t go over well, so now I just keep it to myself. Could your blog incorporate some articles for husbands of stepmoms to read?

A. Yes! I will work on some articles for the blog that stepmoms can hand to their husbands, but in the meantime you can show him this. It is incredibly important that you are able to talk to him about your feelings–the good, the bad, the ugly. All of the research on stepfamilies show that a couple who are able to talk about their experiences within this new stepfamily in an honest and open way have a FAR better chance of making it. By not allowing you to talk about your negative feelings, he is basically living in denial and it absolutely will come back to bite him in the tush. When we suppress anger or hurt feelings for a long time, they come out eventually. And your husband is not alone in his reaction to your feelings. Most men have trouble hearing negative things about their new family or their kids or even the ex wife because they are living in their own fantasty land. They want this new marriage to work. They don’t want to be divorced again. But the reality is that remarriage divorce rates are higher than first marriages. The inability to talk openly about the COMPLETELY NORMAL stepfamily challenges often leads to divorce. If he won’t read my book or any other book about stepfamily development, then read him the sections in my book where other stepmoms talk about their experiences or read a post from a blog by another stepmom. Perhaps that will help him see that what you’re going through. Hopefully he’ll be able to see that what you’re family is going through right now is part of the deal during the first years of stepfamily development. You might also check out Patricia Papernow’s helpful book: Becoming a Stepfamily. It does an fantastic job of showing the stages stepfamilies go through so you don’t think you’re going crazy!

The Power of Guilt

In blended families, there are few things more powerful than guilt. It is the emotion that fuels many of the negative things that happen in stepfamilies. It is the reason that Dads become permissive parents and allow their children to run wild. It  is often one of the reasons Moms are combative and challenging to co-parent with. In 2003, the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage published a study called Divorced Mothers’ Guilt. The study found that the guilt they felt for putting their children through divorce often kept them stuck in one emotional place and unable to move on with their lives.

Anecdotally, I can attest to this just from listening to moms during interviews. I have always been curious about the moms who originally ask for the divorce and then act as though they are the victims or become vindictive or angry later when they weren’t at the time of the divorce. It could be the guilt talking.

And so for all of us, how do recover from guilt? How do biological and stepparents move on from feeling guilty about an affair, or a divorce or a remarriage? If anyone has some good ideas, please feel free to comment. In the meantime, here are some of my thoughts:

Say your sorry. Take the children out for one-on-one time and apologize. Call or e-mail your former spouse and tell them you are sorry for everything that happened. Marriage researcher John Gottman describes in his books how repair attempts can reduce conflict in relationships. If the breakup of the marriage happened because of an affair, leave defensiveness behind, own up to your responsibility and say your sorry.

Look to the future. Instead of remaining stuck in anger and guilt about what happened in the past, focus on your hopes for the future.

Remember we’re alone. Each of us has our own particular path to walk in this life. A divorce and remarriage will affect children for their rest of their lives, but at the end of the day they will have to deal with it on their own. Give them the tools they need to move through their emotions in a healthy way instead of letting them manipulate you with your guilt.

Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Guilt is really a useless feeling. It doesn’t move you anywhere, just keeps you stuck in the past. Wouldn’t you rather choose to let go of the guilt? Challenging things happen to children. How they respond to it can build their character and yours if you allow everyone to move on emotionally.

Be true to your inner truths. Guilt can strip biological parents of their core values. For instance, if a parent would typically believe that boundaries are good for kids but lets them all go because he feels guilty, he is not only depriving his children of the parenting they need, he is abandoning his own belief system. Seriously, guilt is that powerful.

So what do you feel guilty about? How does the guilt of your partner or the ex affect the dynamics between all the members of your blended family?

Dating a divorced man with kids?

A vast majority of newly married couples report they did not have conversations about important topics such as money, sex or the number of children each person wants before the marriage license is signed. Part of the conflict that arises in the first few years of marriage comes from problems in these areas that were never discussed during the courtship stage of the relationship. If you are dating a man with children it is absolutely critical that the two of you put everything on the table long before you decide to move in together or tie the knot. The fact is, remarriages have a higher rate of failure than first marriages because the stressors that come with stepfamily dynamics can erode the marriage. The more armed you are with information, the better!

You can find many conversation starters in my book at the end of each chapter in the Discussion Topics for Two sections. I also came across a free teleseminar that you might find of interest:

Yvonne Kelly, founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute and David Steele, founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute are presenting a free teleseminar on Thursday, January 22, from 9-11 p.m. EST. Register at www.stepdating.ca to reserve your spot and they’ll send you a copy of the Stepdating Report.

Stepmoms Speak

Christina Hines is the author of Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies. The following is an excerpt from her book. Used with permission.

Lack of Awareness

When we navigate without awareness, we still remember the “Wicked” Stepmother in our Cinderella stories. We live inside the lingo, the language of “Broken Homes” and “Step” and everyone suffers on all levels. “Broken” takes on a tone as If there is something fundamentally wrong that will always be fundamentally wrong. Step has a tone as if someone is stepping on someone else’s toes or property, as if by stepping “in and on” you are doing something morally illegal.

Inside of this broken stepping on toes limited thinking…. 

We teach our children that love has conditions. “You are free to love everyone! Except the woman who now lives with your father.”

We provide our children with “Disney Land” weekends to ease the guilt we feel inside of us for not being there in the day-to-day.

We get divorced and cling fiercely to making sure our children experience “family traditions” only we don’t stop to understand what we are really doing to them.

Let’s see how this works. We tell our children “Get dressed, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, put your jacket on – you are going to Dad’s for three hours to have his tradition. Next, while you are in mid-play, you will need to put your jacket back on, come back home, we’ll drive to grandma’s and have our tradition (notice, at Dad’s you had HIS tradition but when you are with me, you are having “Our” tradition.) Take your jacket off and then mid-play, you will need to put your jacket back on. Next; we will get back in the car, drive to our house. Take off your jacket it’s time for bed! Now wasn’t that fun?

Children literally spend half of the day in the car. A quarter of the day taking their jackets off and putting their jackets back on.  A quarter of the day just digging into a wonderful play experience only to have it cut short once again.

Family traditions start to take on a tone of hurry up, let’s go, wasn’t that fun and we do this for your sake. Children’s little heads spin. They can’t remember whom they are playing with and everything feels to the child like there isn’t enough time. We literally teach our children how to not focus fully. We teach our children how not to experience something fully and then we label and medicate them when they can’t seem to focus.

More of what’s Inside of this broken stepping on toes limited thinking…

We send them over to the other parent’s house exclaiming “Oh I will miss you so much while you are gone,” and then the child spends half the time at the other parent’s house worrying about how lonely and upset the other parent is with visions of the “missing” parent crying missing them so much and unable to enjoy their time fully because they are too busy worrying about the other parent’s experience. We teach our children to always feel like something is missing.

We get out of one relationship to get right back into the “same” relationship with someone else or we go for someone completely different and spend all our time comparing, complaining and “pining” for what we no longer have when we didn’t enjoy what we had when we had it. Never fully enjoying our present moments.

We watch a child grow and develop and we have reverence for the process yet we have no tolerance and lack reverence, time or patience for the emotional evolutionary process of growth and development that needs to happen inside of marriages or inside of divorces or our remarriages.

We treat our children like partners and our partners like children.

We ignore our pain, bury it, pretend it doesn’t exist and we hide behind children using them as an excuse on why we can’t move on or worse, we use them like bait on a fishing rod to attract a potential parent for them verses trying to attract a partner for us who will eventually be a good stepparent.

We set our new relationships up to be stressful and chaotic because we didn’t take the time to process our emotions and then we get mad at our new partner for expecting us to be fully present to them.

We expect our new partners to love and accept our children and us unconditionally while we don’t accept and love them unconditionally.

We set the stepparent up by sabotaging their relationship with our children by bending the rules when the stepparent isn’t home or by blatantly coming out and saying, “I don’t mind but your stepmother is on my back.”

We set our children up to feel abandoned and to resent the person who does what we do for our children – by allowing our children to sleep in bed with us at night and then “kicking” them out when an adult comes into the picture.

We blame the “other” parent when our children lie, manipulate or act out on our time with the children. We say the children are doing that because of who the other parent is and oh what a great parent we are.

 We blame the stepparent for pointing out our children’s behaviors and focus on the stepparent instead of focusing on parenting our children 

Women walk around comparing themselves to each other while competing for who’s better, prettier, has a better body, looks younger, makes more money, has a better house. As if a child cares about any of those things. (Who is that really about?)

Men are so confused, not knowing who to listen to, the biological mother or the stepmother. Knowing perfectly well that he’s completely screwed either way, lying to each woman causing more problems for themselves crying, “Women are crazy people!”

We haven’t learned to “play nice” inside of our adult relationships while we tell our children to “play nice” with others. Or, we no longer care about teaching our children how to play nice, we would rather they think of only themselves. We haven’t learned to share the joys of child rearing while we tell our child to share or, we tell our children that they don’t have to share. We haven’t learned to respect each other while we tell children to respect others or, we don’t care if our children respect others and enjoy our children’s ability to be fully self expressed to the point of pure rudeness. We play a lot of ego oriented superficial games and waste our time and life energy on things that do not matter and have absolutely nothing to do with our children.

With all or half of this going on inside of the lives of stepfamilies, it’s easy to see why there is so much stress involved. Most of it has nothing to do with being a parent or having a child. Children are not the problem at all. Most of it has to do with our inability to navigate the issues that belong to us.

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Dealing with difficult children

1) Stay calm, cool, and collected. There’s no point in blowing up at a kid, especially as a stepparent. It will only add tension to your relationship. Instead, stay cool when a kid deliberate tries to provoke you. It’s only fun for them when they can get a rise out of you and attract the negative attention.

2) Avoid power struggles. One of my stepdaughters recently complained about how her parents both biological and step are always telling her what to do. I pointed out that it’s not that we enjoy bossing her around but it’s our job as her parents to teach her how to become a successful adult. Because there wasn’t emotional baggage attached there was no power struggle. And instead of arguing with me, she shrugged and did what I asked her to do.

3) Understand what’s really happening. When a kid is acting out it’s important to know why they are behaving badly because there is always a reason. Last week my nearly eleven-year-old stepdaughter was fighting over the television remote control with her eight-year-old sister. We’d had a long, tiring week with a funeral and a wedding within days of each other. When we finally arrived home and settled in to take a night off, the girls started fighting over the remote when the younger wouldn’t give it to the older. The older girl bit her younger sister on the arm in a complete act of regression. Though she was punished for her behavior by getting a week with no screen time, her father and I understood that she was exhausted and not her usual self.

4) Blow off steam. There aren’t very many people stepmoms can vent to without getting an earful back about how you “should” be the adult, etc. etc. etc. Find at least one other pal who you can talk to if you’re feeling like you wish those kids wouldn’t be coming over this week. Make sure it’s a pal who understands how you feel and doesn’t think you’re a major jerk.

5) Don’t take things personally. It’s good advice but it’s easier said than done. How can you practice non-attachment? How can you keep your feelings safe when a kid calls you names, yells at you, or steals your things? Come up with several strategies to help you remember that a child’s behavior is usually not about you. It’s more often fueled by pain from the divorce, or anger at a biological parent.

Re-Energize Your Stepparenting

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get tired of being a stepmom. It just takes so much energy to do all the things we’re supposed to do. Besides giving my all to my career, I have to maintain a household, pay attention to my husband, raise my daughter, exercise, relax, find time for friends, and stepparent three children just entering their teen years. Yikes! I’m tired. Here are the top five ways I’m going to re-energize my stepparenting. 

1) Take naps. If you’re rested, you’re less irritable. Simple as that.
 
2) Appreciate your stepkids’ personalities. Make a list of the things you like about your stepkids. If you have more than one, do something with them that makes the parts of their personality you enjoy really shine. For instance, my stepson loves learning about disasters. So he and I went to the Pompeii exhibit when it came to Minneapolis.
 
3) Be honest about your limits. Everybody will tell you ways you can be a better stepmother, but at the end of the day, you’re the one who knows what will work for you and your family. For instance, it’s common knowledge that families are supposed to have family dinners together. And we do, a lot of the time. But sometimes we don’t because I don’t want to. I’d rather let the kids eat in their playroom while their dad and I sit at the table on our deck.
 
4) Commit to your self-care. It’s easy to let your self-care slide when things are chaotic at home. But it’s crucial that you continue to do the things you need to do to feel good about yourself. Get that facial. Buy your favorite lotion. Take a yoga class. Have lunch with your best friend. You may have heard me preach about this one before, but even decades into stepfamily life, this is always the first thing to go when stepmoms are stressed.
 
5) Remember your influence. Even if your stepkids are not giving you any indication that they even like you, they’re still soaking up your moods, habits, and opinions. Even if they say they don’t care, they still want your approval. Even if they say they hate you, they still want you to pay attention.

What about you? Have any strategies you want to share?

How to Handle an Identity Crisis

Are you a new stepmom? Are you a city girl moving to the suburbs for your family? Is it getting difficult to recognize yourself with all the changes happening in your life? Then read on for a list of life preservers to help keep you afloat during times of great change.

1) Repetition. Choose one thing you love to do that makes you feel like yourself, and do it over and over again. When this city girl moved to the ‘burbs last summer so my husband could be closer to the kids, I found I didn’t recognize my life anymore. I set up regular coffee dates with my friends in all my old favorite haunts so I still felt like I had a connection to the city life I loved.

2) Re-Vision. Instead of focusing on what you’ve had to give up because you now live with kids, consider a revision of your expectations. The word “revision” means to “see again.” So how can you look at the reality you’re living in now, see it anew, and find something about it that you enjoy?

3) Revelation. Use this time of change as an excuse to open your mind to new possibilities. Read books by an author you’ve never heard of before. Visit an art museum. Read a parenting book. Attend a lecture series. Learn something new.

4) Reunion. Surround yourself with people who knew you when. That way, if you’re feeling lost, you can use your friends and family as touchstones to help remind you that you’re still you in the middle of the maelstrom.

5) Rest. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but wait it out. You’ll get used to everything before long. Your family will learn how to relate to each other. And sometimes trying to force things to move before they’re ready is unwise. Allow your relationships in your new reality to unfold organically. Tomorrow will happen whether you’re exhausting yourself trying to fix, do, help – or are instead giving yourself the permission to wait and see.

Advice for Bio Parents: Honor Your Kids’ Stepparent

Pass this on to your spouse, or if you have biological children, try these exercises on your partner.

1) Offer a compliment a day. Practice showing your spouse your gratitude every single day with a compliment or a message of thanks. Make a mark on your calendar on all the days you remember to show appreciation to your partner. If compliments don’t come easy to you, practicing them will help you become more comfortable. And the smile on your partner’s face will inspire you to continue. Here are some ideas to get you started: “Thank you so much for helping Tommy with his homework.” “I really appreciate all the work you do for our family.” “I know this can be frustrating, but I am so thankful you’re willing to talk about this.” “Wow, thank you!”

2) Give her a shout out. Honor your partner in front of the kids so you are modeling to them that this person is important in your life and makes you happy. This will help you and your spouse maintain a united front to the children, and will set up a clear message to the kids that the stepparent is here to stay and is completely supported by their birth parent.

3) Send a message of thanks. Every night before you go to bed, write down or simply think of three reasons you’re grateful for your partner’s presence in your life.

4) Include her in the decision-making. We stepmoms all know that as the biological parent, you have the final say in the raising of your children. However, making a stepmom feel included in the household isn’t that hard to do. Simply listen to what she has to say, discuss the pros and cons with each other and work out a solution together as a team. She’s volunteered to join your family; now help her feel like she’s welcome.

5) Carve out alone time. Every stepparent needs alone time with their spouse. Make time each week that just the two of you can be together without his kids or her kids so you can continue to nurture your partnership. Each biological parent also needs time alone with their children so each individual relationship within your family unit receives the time and attention it needs to flourish.

A Message to Biological Parents

 

If you are a biological parent, read this closely. If you are a stepparent, read it and then pass it along to your partner. When two people make a commitment to give their love a go, everything starts out so beautifully. Compliments come easy. But once the normal complications arise of learning how to live with another human being and his or her children, frustration often replaces the warm feelings that started this whole business in the first place.

Arguments about discipline, parenting styles and unequal treatment of the children in the house, can turn love to anger, happiness to aggravation and tolerance to criticism. But here’s the deal: If you are a biological parent who has given your children a stepparent, you simply must give your partner the appreciation he or she deserves.

Bestselling relationship expert John Gray, the author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, has first-hand experience of blended family life. When he married his wife, Bonnie, he became a stepfather of two girls. Later, he and Bonnie had a child of their own. “First, stepparents need to understand that the child will always, especially at the beginning, resent the stepfather or stepmother for replacing their real parent,” Gray says. “It’s a conflict because they want their real parent to be there for them. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that you’re filling in and it’s as if you’re replacing the birth parent. A stepparent has to recognize that the children are not going to be extremely grateful for or appreciate that much because in a sense you’re always in the way. So the spouse needs to compensate and make sure that they give you lots of acknowledgement and appreciation.”

I’ve received many letters from stepmoms angry with a spouse who takes it personally every time she tries to suggest a change in how to deal with a child’s behavior. Instead of having a discussion about how a problem could be handled, biological parents who are defensive of their children will often quickly shut down a stepparent, refusing to listen to anything they might feel is a criticism of their children. Gray explains how a bio parent should handle this touchy situation. “If you, the stepparent, are frustrated with the kids, your spouse has got to realize that she shouldn’t take it personally. Here the stepparent is behaving like a parent and not getting any of the recognition a parent normally gets. And they’ll never get it in most cases until the kids grow up. When the kids grow up, they do appreciate you enormously, so it’s kind of like a job where you don’t get paid for many years.”

Stepparents are volunteers who have signed up for life. A new stepmother or stepfather can try to be a role model and teach your children skills they didn’t have before. Even if your partner does things differently than you do, it’s crucial that you give your spouse open appreciation for all she does for you and your children. Do stepparents sometimes go too far with demands that the household change to suit them? Absolutely. But if you work on creating a partnership in which everything is open for discussion, then it’s easier for a stepparent to feel included in the household. Make your partner feel she did the right thing by saying yes to you and your kids.

S.M.A.C.K.s for Stepmoms: Through the eyes of a child.

This month, if you would describe one (or all) of your stepchildren as difficult, selfish, horrible, spoiled, a brat, whiny, manipulative, mean, distant, angry, or prone to temper tantrums, then I challenge you to look beyond the behavior. What could be causing their actions? What feelings might be underneath fueling the hostility? Children are not adults, even though we stepparents often treat them like mini grown-ups. But their brains aren’t even fully developed until their mid-twenties. They simply can’t express feelings or deal with challenging situations like we can. Take a moment and try this exercise. Describe what you think your stepchild’s life is like through their eyes. Write it in the first person, as though you are the child.

Visit my other blog www.smackyourinnercritic.com for more about how to S.M.A.C.K. your Inner Critic.