New Stepmom Circles Podcast: Stepfamilies and Money, Part One

A new Stepmom Circles Podcast is ready! When I first began researching stepfamily life so I could write my book, I came across Dr. Margorie Engel. At the time she was the president of the Stepfamily Association of America, which is now the National Stepfamily Resource Center and we talked then about stepfamily money issues. I recently interviewed Dr. Engel again and we talked for hours about all the things that stepfamilies face when it comes to money: saving for college, insurance, estate planning and much, much more. This podcast is the first in a series of three. She also generously gave us documents to help guide our discussions of these topics with our families.

Click on the link below to download the packet of information. I hope these Stepmom Circles podcasts lead to fruitful discussions for you and your family. Good luck!

Stepfamily Information.Engel

New Stepmom Circles Podcast: Ron Deal and StepDads

Finally!!! A new Stepmom Circles Podcast is ready. Ron Deal is one of my favorite guests. In this show we talk about Ron’s new book, The Smart Stepdad. There are even fewer resources for stepdads than there are for stepmoms. Ron always has so much wisdom to share and this podcast is not just for stepdads. It’s for moms who have kids and married a man who became a stepdad to their children. It’s for stepmothers because is the advice he gives is applicable to all of us. Find Ron at http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com

Enjoy!

Stepmom Circles Podcast: Update

Hi Ladies:

I have been working hard doing interviews for my Stepmom Circles Podcast and I’m so excited to share them with you. I’ve had some enlightening conversations with people including:

Dr. Margorie Engel, former president of the Stepfamily Association of America (Now called the National Stepfamily Resource Center.) We talked about stepfamilies and money. This will be a two- or three-part series of podcasts.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, an advisory member of the National Stepfamily Resource Center and author of Becoming a Stepfamily. We talk about the stepfamily development cycle and the common challenges every stepfamily faces, plus best practices for post-divorce parenting.

Ron Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepmom, has a new book out this spring: The Smart Stepdad.

I’ll have the first podcast ready next week. Stay tuned!

Stepmoms: Fear vs. Exhilaration

Gay Hendricks once said to me: The difference between fear and exhilaration is breath. When you’re afraid your breathing gets stuck high up in your chest. If you take it down deep into your belly, it changes the fear into something that can move–more like the feeling of exhilaration you get when you’re skiing or riding a roller coaster. I remember that advice often around my work but it applies equally well to stepfamily life.

Any time you need to step up as an authority figure in your house and you’re afraid to do it. Any time you are jealous of a stepchild because you fear he/she is more loved than you will ever be. Any time you are nervous to go to an event because you know the ex is going to be there. Any time you are afraid to speak your truth: BREATHE.

New Stepmom Circles Podcast: Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act

I know I’m always thrilled to do new Stepmom Circles Podcasts because I love talking to all my guests! But I have to give you a disclaimer, this one was really fun because Pilar Gerasimo, the Editor-in-Chief of Experience Life magazine is not only a brilliant thinker, she’s also a dear friend. I always have a blast doing shows with her and learn something new at the same time. On this episode of the Stepmom Circles Podcast, Pilar and I talk about her new manifesto Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act and why it’s critical that stepmothers take good care of themselves. If you haven’t listened to my first podcast with Pilar, you’ll want to go back and hear that one, too, after you’ve heard what she has to say!

P.S. Listen to this show and you’ll understand why you should never again feel guilty about taking care of yourself!

Have an idea for a future podcast? Shoot me an email at becomingastepmom (at) gmail (dot) com.

How Do I Listen? Click on the links to the show above or visit HERE to browse all of the Stepmom Circles shows. You can listen to it online or download it the show to your mp3 player. It’s free. Enjoy!

Stepmom Magazine is Hosting Ask The Experts Day on FaceBook

Tomorrow is Ask the Experts Day! Stepmom Magazine has gathered eight stepfamily experts to answer your questions. The online event is happening on Thursday, November 18, 2010 from 1 to 5 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on FaceBook.

Go to Stepmom Magazine’s FaceBook page and join the conversation! I’ll be there and so will some of my favorite esteemed colleagues!

Your Questions Answered: Becoming a Stepchild at 52

Dear Jacque,

My Dad got married 10 days ago. I have lived with him for the past 25 years, part of that time taking care of my mom and then sharing the house with him after she died for 13 years. I am having a hard time letting go of my responsibilities in the house and I refuse to call my dad’s new wife my step mom. I should share with you that I an 52, and the house prior to the marriage was willed to me. Now that is all up in the air as well as my emotions. My question is do I have to recognize her as a step parent? I just want to call her my Dad’s wife.

Thank you for sending in this question! Your email illustrates something we can all learn from. The dynamics at play in stepfamily life happen no matter how old you are. Why? Because ultimately when a new stepfamily forms, it throws all sorts of things out of balance. It raises questions that family members have rarely asked each other before: Who are we as a family? What does family mean? Who is on the “inside” and who is on the “outside?” Will my father’s feelings change for me? What will this mean to my inheritance? These are all valid questions. And scary questions.

When there are end-of-life issues at stake, we don’t want our loved ones to feel like we’re being greedy, so it’s even more awkward.

My advice is almost always the same on issues where confusion has arisen due to stepfamily dynamics: Talk about it. As uncomfortable as it might be, it is important that you have a conversation with your father about how this is going to change the will. And it is only fair that he be open with you about it. Death is not something we like to talk about. And talking about what will happen to our assets when we go is not fun either, but it must be done. You are going to have to deal with this when he passes. And if your father’s new wife outlives him, you will have to work with her. You might use language such as, “This is not going to be a comfortable conversation, but this new marriage raises many questions for me. Instead of walking around wondering, I think we should have an open conversation about end-of-life issues.”

Change is difficult. As scary as it might be for you to contemplate a different kind of life, I will ask you this: What good can come out of this for you? If you don’t get the house or decide to move out and have to remake your life into something that looks very different from what you thought it would be, it will be scary. But sometimes the scariest things we face are the best for us.

As for the name question. You should call your stepmother what you feel comfortable calling her. You are both adults and this is a relationship of choice. She’s not going to be raising you or parenting you. Again I would advise having an open discussion about this. “You know what, it makes me uncomfortable to call you stepmom. How about if I just call you by your first name? What do you think?”

Eventually everyone will figure out what the new normal is in your family.  Best wishes to you during this tumultuous time.

Stepmothers: Do You Turn Toward Or Away From Your Partner?

We all know that conflict is a normal part of any long-term relationship. You’re going to fight. You’re going to get on each other’s nerves. You might even call each other a few choice swear words in the privacy of your own heads.

But at the end of the day, do you turn toward each other or away?

Over the last three months my husband and I have been stressed out. Big time. A whole bunch of challenges hit us at exactly the same time. For the first month, we turned away from each other. We were polite, but we suffered from the stress in our own little worlds. The second month, the stress started coming out in arguments and nasty comments. This month, we turned toward each other.

We acknowledged that we’re both stressed and began exploring some questions. How can we address this together? How can we feel proactive instead of reactive? And most importantly, how can we protect our marriage from the outside stresses it must endure? That is the challenge many stepcouples face. Scratch that. It’s a challenge that ALL couples face.

We came up with some things that are working for us:

1. Be aspirational. Work toward a goal together that is fun and exciting. We decided to meet once a month for a day to visualize our goals for our future.
2. Deal with the stress head on. We didn’t just sweep the stressors in our lives under the rug. We built strategies to help us manage the stress and move to a more easeful place with benchmarks so we can track our progress.
3. Take a break! I know I’ve nagged you all about this one before, but my gosh–having fun is so important. We certainly can’t talk about our problems all the time. We need breaks! We decided that our breaks should include activities that build a positive emotional connection between us.

How about you? Do you have any strategies that you and your partner use to keep connected during challenging times?

What Should a Stepmother Expect?

I’ve been asked this question many times: What should a stepmom expect? And this one: Am I expecting too much? I’ve asked myself those questions, too. Much of the research done on what makes stepfamily life so difficult indicates our expectations are what get us into trouble.

But the challenge is that there is no model for what a stepfamily “should” look like. A successful stepfamily structure might look very different from what we think a “family” should look like.

Happy stepmothers are:

• Women who live with their stepchildren full-time and help to raise them.
• Women who don’t ever see their stepchildren.
• Women who at family gatherings cheerfully combine his, hers, and ours kids plus the ex-wife, ex-husband, their new spouses and all the various step-, half-, and full-blooded siblings.
• Women who don’t live with their partners but continue to date until the children are raised and out of the house.

There are lots of different ways in which stepfamilies are successful. But sometimes we need to revise what we think successful means in order to find peace. Can you be a success if you and your partner have an amazing relationship but the kids hate you? Can you be a success if your marriage is strong but the ex-wife is in your face all the time? Can you be a success if your husband is your best friend but his parents don’t accept you? The answer to all these questions is: YES.

But you first have to decide for yourself and as a couple what success can mean.

Warning: Letting go of expectations (a.k.a. Dreams) can be an extremely painful process. But once you do it, you’re free to create the kind of life you want.

New York City Stepmothers

If you live in or near New York City, Wednesday Martin, the author of Stepmonster is teaming up with Dr. Rachelle Katz, the author of The Happy Stepmom for a workshop this Saturday.  If you’re in the area, check it out! Here’s the information:

Saturday, September 25th

10:00 AM to 1:00 PM

Presented by

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. (author of Stepmonster) and

Rachelle Katz, Ed.D. (author of The Happy Stepmother)

Parkside Lounge of the West Side YMCA

(West 63rd Street between Broadway and Central Park West)

Who Should Attend:

• Stepmothers

• Women in a relationship with a man who has children

• Dads who want to improve their relationships with wives and girlfriends

• Mental health professionals who work with stepfamilies

At this workshop, you will:

• Better understand the challenges of being a stepmother

• Learn about the latest scientific studies in the field of stepfamily research

• Learn to recognize maladaptive behavior in your stepfamily

• Acquire healthy tools to cope with the demands of being a stepmother

• Learn how to successfully communicate with your partner and family members

• Establish clear boundaries that promote family harmony

• Participate in a support group, sharing your experiences with others who understand what you are going through

To register go to this link:

 http://www.stepsforstepmothers.com/resources.html