Ladies: Wednesday Martin, the author of Stepmonster is looking for stepmoms to interview. Here is her request and contact info:
“If you are a woman with stepchildren who has experienced physical violence in your household at the hands of your stepchild or adult stepchild, or know someone who is, I would like to hear from you for research purposes. I also encourage you to find support so that you can feel and be safe in your home. My email address is wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com.”
There are few things more dangerous to a stepmom’s mental health than a loud and damning Inner Critic. I don’t know about you but sometimes all the “shoulds” about how I’m “supposed” to be that I beat myself up with are enough to drive a good woman to drink. According to the voice inside my head I’m supposed to be more maternal to my stepkids, nicer, more bonded with them. I’m supposed to have a cleaner house and a better relationship with my husband’s ex. I’m not supposed to get tired, be jealous or angry. I’m certainly not supposed to snap at my stepkids because I am supposed to make this family work!
Sometimes I really need to tell that Inner Critic to shut the hell up. Know what I mean? I’ve written several pieces for this blog on the art of smacking down the Inner Critic. You can check them out by clicking on the S.M.A.C.K.s for Stepmoms category on the right hand side of this page. I’ve also written a new book with a friend of mine called S.M.A.C.K. Your Inner Critic: Knock out your doubt and live the life of your dreams.My agent sent it out to publishers on Friday! So I have a favor to ask, m’ladies! Please visit our blog at www.smackyourinnercritic.comand if you feel called to make a comment on one of our posts, I’d be deeply grateful! Drop me a line at becomingastepmom (at) gmail.com to let me know you commented and I’ll send a free, signed copy of my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom to the person who writes the 25th comment we get starting now! Many, many thanks!
Here’s an exercise designed to help you see what your comfort zone is, to help you figure out what kind of stepmother you want to be. Consider the statements as jumping-off points, and if something rings true for you, follow it and see where it leads.
Figuring out your role within the stepfamily is a lifelong process. You, your husband, and the kids will negotiate it over time. You can create the role that fits for you and your family.
Excerpt from A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom
Ladies: I’ve teamed up with Erin on a fun website called the Stepfamily Letter Project and we need your input! Here’s a description from the site:
In the Fall of 2008, Erin wrote an open-ended letter to her stepdaughter on her blog. The letter was filled with things Erin wished she could say to her 12-year-old stepdaughter but didn’t. From future hopes and dreams to the intricacies of teenage angst, the letter was one stepmom’s heartfelt approach to communicate with her stepdaughter without actually “communicating.” The letter went on to capture the attention of other stepmoms across the Internet.
One of those stepmoms, Jacque, had heard of The Mother Letter Project, a compilation of letters that a husband has been collecting his for wife as a Christmas present.
The letters, written for mothers, could be about anything so long as it was addressed to a mom. At the same time, Jacque popped open her computer to begin her annual holiday letter to her family. Each year Jacque, her husband, and her three stepkids write a letter to each other that describes the previous year’s ups and downs and hopes for the upcoming year. Then they read them out loud to each other. It’s a tradition that Jacque’s dad and stepmom started when Jacque was a teenage stepkid.
And so an idea was born. Why not create a site where blended families could write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings – we wanted to create a place where blended families could write letters to the people in their families – be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad.
If you would like to add a letter to the Stepfamily Letter Project, there are a few steps to follow:
Stepfamily-Letter-Project
5. Check back or subscribe. If you have an RSS feed reader or aggregator, sign up for an RSS feed for the site. This way, you’ll be alerted when we post a new letter.
Thanks to Diane Fromme, the author of Stepparenting the Grieving Child, for asking me to be a guest blogger at Mama J’s Parenting Posts. Here’s an excerpt from the post I wrote, “Compassion Beats Competition” about the tough relationship between stepmothers and stepdaughters.
“Studies show that girls often exhibit more anxiety than boys do after a remarriage. This is an important fact for stepparents to keep in mind. While conducting interviews of stepmoms across the country, I was told more than once that stepmothers were concerned that instead of bonding over shared interests with their stepdaughters, they were in a competition for Dad’s attention and affection.”
If you’ve got stepdaughters, check out the rest of the post at Diane’s blog.
I am thrilled to announce that A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom has won a 2008 iParenting Media Excellence Award! The book was chosen out of thousands of products for parents. My deepest thanks to all the stepmoms who participated in the project and for those who have since read the book and passed it along to your stepmom friends. I am deeply honored to know that the book has helped.
There are spies living in my house. They’re not government spies. They’re not evil. But it does feel like they’re out to frame me for crimes I didn’t commit. Let me explain.
One of my stepdaughters overheard me talking to a couple of my friends one night after a dinner party at our house. She heard me tell them that I wasn’t sure how I was going to let my husband into the delivery room when I give birth, because I’ve never even felt comfortable having anyone around me when I’m feeling sick.
The adults understood that I was joking. They knew I was trying to wrap my head around something as profound as labor and delivery. They also heard me say, “Of course, he’ll be in the room with me, but it’s just so strange to think about.”
My stepdaughter understood none of these things. She didn’t hear the last line I said from her eavesdropping post in the kitchen. When she reported back to her mother everything she thought she heard me say, she said, “Jacque’s not going to let Daddy in the room when she has the baby.”
Her mother told her I was strange: All women have their husbands in the delivery room with them. And then my stepdaughter reported it all back to me. How her mother thinks I’m a freak because of a game of telephone. After the misunderstanding was cleared up with my stepdaughter, I wanted to call her mother to explain what happened, to defend myself. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
And then I felt a wave of hostility. I didn’t want to say anything when my stepdaughter was in the house. I started whispering things to my husband behind locked doors during our week with the kids. I didn’t want messages getting back to the other house that were incorrect or that I couldn’t control. Then I started feeling trapped in silence whenever the kids were over. Even though I knew that my stepdaughter was not trying to be malicious as some stepchildren are, I still felt violated.
In the one place where I am supposed to be able to feel complete privacy, I felt like there were eyes constantly watching me, judging my every move. “Yes!” I wanted to shout. “I eat organic food! No! I don’t care about watching sports games on TV!”
In the book Between Two Worlds, author Elizabeth Marquardt describes how children of divorce learn to keep secrets from their parents. They don’t tell one house what’s going on in the other house because they learn that it will upset their parents. I remember feeling that when I was a kid, and it’s a horrible burden because it makes you grow up so fast. And yet, during this whole interaction, I had the uncharitable thought that my stepkids needed to learn that lesson. They’re old enough now. I had to do it. Now it’s their turn. Time to keep secrets, people!
When I’m feeling more mature, I can see what needs to be done: I need to be the adult and talk to my stepdaughter about eavesdropping, as I would to any child. I need to chill out and not take it so personally. I need to learn how to not care what their mom thinks of me as long as it’s as harmless as something like this. It’s actually pretty funny, when you think about it.
I’m sure when the kids are through their teens and living on their own, I’ll look back and laugh at how silly all the misunderstandings were. In the meantime, excuse me while I do a sweep of our house for bugs and wire-taps.
1. Earplugs. Need I say more? A stepmother without sleep is a stepmother without the foundation of self-care she needs to be the best she can be.
2. Friends. Find people who understand what it’s like to be a stepmom. You need supporters who won’t think you’re crazy when you tell them that today you wish your stepkids had never been born.
3. Time Off. Even if your stepchildren are over only for the weekend, if you need an hour or two to decompress, get out of the house and see a movie or go for a walk. It’s easy to feel like you have to be there every second, but you don’t. The kids need alone time with Dad anyway. As long as you’re not gone all weekend, taking time off can help you be a better stepmom.
4. A Sanctuary. Do you have a room of your own? A place you can retreat to in your home that can help you refresh yourself? If not, create one immediately! It’s important that you feel like you have a place in your house where you can unwind.
5. A Solid Marriage. It’s critical that you and your spouse spend time every single day tending your commitment to each other. Share a quiet moment in the morning. Have a weekly date. Renew your vows to each other on each anniversary.
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